you hurt me so badly
i gave you all that i was
i wanted the world for you
and you threw it away
i was angry
i was so angry
you had stepped on my dreams
burned a whole through my heart
with your pot-laced cigarettes
i was worthless because of you
i truly believed i was worth no more
than the smelly, dirty fish
wrapped in last months newspapers
covered in soot and grime
down on skid row
all because of you
i believed i was worthless
i got over that in time
and i knew what i was
a princess in a paper bag
and i knew what you were
the ground beneath
my saran-wrap slippers
now i've heard things
dreadful, terrible things
you're in jail... again
you have a baby on the way
you'll be getting married soon
i did not know what to do when i heard
i was jealous
and petty
these things are not me
i am forgiving
i am caring
i am loving
i am a contradiction
you had destroyed me
so i was eternally angry
i became just as awful
as i believed you were
but God can forgive you
He has already forgiven you
who am i to esteem myself
higher than the Creator
of all heavens and the universe?
so i will forgive you
i must forgive you
though difficult no doubt it will be
i see how difficult your life must be
and i ask myself
"who am i to criticize?"
i've had it so much easier
blessing upon blessing
and you've been pushed off the narrow path
no one wanted you on the red road
so you bled your wounds
and made your own crimson path
how difficult it must be now
for you to change
to better yourself
you don't even believe you deserve it
because for so long
you've been told you're not worth it
but i'm not worth it
not if i choose to be the priest
or the rabbi
if i am not the good samaritan
if i do not offer you my care and compassion
i am not worth the ground beneath
your regulation prison shoes
i should like to say that i will pray constantly
as it is my Christian duty
i should like to say that i will forget our past
and the bruises still scarring my staple-mended heart
i should like to say that i will behave like a lady
next i see you
that i will not roll my eyes at your child-bearing fiance
waiting to snicker behind your back at my first opportunity
i don't know how strong i am now
this will be the test
but for now, all i can do is pray that i will change
it worked once before
prayer turned my worst enemy into my dearest friend
and now i love him more than life
i need to let go completely
offer myself to the grave of deepest desperation
for that is all i am now
desperate
longing to be compassionate
the tears sting my eyes once again
i thought i was done with this heartbreak
caused by you
but it is not caused by you
it is caused by me
and i needed to be hurt this badly
so that i would realize my own shortcomings
i don't want to be compassionate toward you
but i want to want to be compassionate toward you
so i pray to God in Heaven above that He will make me compassionate
because if there's one thing of which this world doesn't need more
it is intolerable priests
Author notes
This is a poem that I felt I needed to write. I'm sorry, reader, if you have found it extremely long and tiresome to read, but I desperately needed to put it out there. I found out recently that my ex boyfriend is in jail, is engaged, and has a baby on the way. I'm only a young woman of 19 and he is even younger, so this isn't exactly something that might happen any given day. My ex has done a lot of stupid things and I've been hurt by some of them. So, when I heard all this news, I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how to feel. I still don't know what exactly I should do... how I should respond to it all.
I must force myself, as I do profess to be a Christian, to examine the Biblical character of Saul (the one in the New Testament). I'm sorry if you're reading this and have no idea what I'm talking about (because you are not of this religious persuasion), but Saul was a terrible person. He was cruel and horrible, tyrannical and sadistic. He had people exterminated for their support of Jesus Christ, simply because he didn't like them. ...God performed a fantastic miracle in Saul's life. He spoke to him, profoundly, and from that day forward he was called Paul, proclaiming all the good that Jesus had done! Almost any Christian will tell you that Paul was one of the greatest men who ever lived! He did so much good after his conversion - I can't even explain how much for it is to great to put into words! The point of my reflection on Saul is that if God could take someone as horrible as Saul and completely transform his life into so much good, why can he not do it for someone who has done as little evil as has my ex boyfriend?
It's hard for me to forgive him... although I'm not exactly sure to what I am holding on. My only answer is prayer. I just have to pray.
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