my lungs
are beginning to fold
into themselves--
tissue mangled
crumbling grey
loose as the ash I tap.
you mouth dream-words
I'll never fully hear
or even understand
in my separate reality
while overdue menthol
funnels down my throat:
I breathe for the first time.
for a moment I feel free--
alive in a lonely world,
like I am meaningful
and not just cigarette ash
tapped by a careless finger
onto a busy street.
Author notes
free verse, body part- lungs
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Eight [Top 5] ~ Semi Final! by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended March 7, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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okay so i am really liking this,
it really isn't my taste, but i am feeling this write.
i must say that i had to read it twice,
to get the meaning, because at times i can me
somewhat slow lol.
anyway this is good writing.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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I think this was really good - effective in its simplicity.
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Darned good (gross that you mentioned menthol - ick)! That last stanza really captivated me.
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93
Originality 8
Creativity/Poetic device 8
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 8
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 5
syntax: 5
Title: 5
overall opinion: 5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
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"for a moment I feel free--
alive in a lonely world,
like I am meaningful
and not just cigarette ash
tapped by a careless finger
onto a busy street."
The entire write is wonderful but I especially liked the end. As an ex-smoker of 17 years... At first I thought about all the cigarettes I have puffed away, all the nasty ashes, how many things I have ruined with burn spots, ash stains and smoke stink...
but then my brain thought of the cigarettes, they are used, a crutch to lean on, a means of temporary gratification... and I thought more about the above lines and considered, that if I were a single cigarette I might obsess over how to become the addiction instead of a means of feeding it.
this got long!
Great job,
s, good luck and best of wishes...
~Genie~
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92
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 92
I enjoyed the simplicity of this...it was refreshing.
Good luck!
Laura
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90
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 8/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 90
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Not crazy about the repetition of "ash" but maybe I'm just being picky. Otherwise, this was pretty good.
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quit smoking. is that freedom you feel in the moment the buzz from your drag? i hear some nihilism in the narrative and i like the way the ironic hopelessness is portrayed. i dont know where the stanza you cut fit in but i liked it, the rot of winter thats good stuff, maybe use it and use an adjective like "bleak" or "vernal" and it would fit with the feeling you're going for. either way keep doing what you do.
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oh man, this was fucking great. flawless actually. i personally might not have used the word cigarette explicitly, but it actually worked out really well. like i said, flawless actually. 3 applause.
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it is the bitter end
of February
and seasonal misery;
under intoxicating sunlight
I mouthed words
of wreckless self-indulgence,
leaving regret to falter
in the rot of winter.
this is where the major problem sits. the bitter end of february an seasonal misery conjures up the cold winter imagery youre looking for, but giving the sunlight a not cold adjective completely through off my sense of scenery.
im not sure about the mouthing words of self-indulgence works either since you are in a sense indulging without any language later on with the overdue cigarette.
we all have beasts
but for a moment I am free,
alive in a lonely world,
more valuable
than cigarette ash
tapped by a careless finger
onto a busy street.
i dont know about the beasts. im not really sure what youre trying to say through them. and from there it stumbles into some wordiness. i like the image, perhaps change the beginning of this line so it can lead into a "not just (or more than) cigarette ash tapped onto a busy street"
hope that helped
i really really like where you took this prompt.
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thankyouthankyouthankyou. i fixed a lot of it. or so i hope
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Wow! Am I ever glad I decided against using lungs.
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