Boughs of deathly shadows
left in dry abandon
thirsty solitude
dying hope of release.
Winter clipped switches-
strips and stripes
licks and lashes
deep internal rings- evidence of hard seasons,
hidden tales of survival.
Sorrow stained bark
amber still flows
but slow,
underpinnings thinning, tenuous enduring.
Merciful darkening night-
razor edge of eternity:
tipping…
Spring arrives to tame cruel dominance
her compassion rains-
washing chill
filling hollows
trickle down trunk, drizzle ‘round gnarls.
She caresses thumbprint scars
left by Winter’s strangle grip.
Her kisses sink into soft wood
awaken resolve, promise release.
At her tingle touch, leaf buds rise to shy lime
ripen to bold green- trembling emerald renewal
rush of rosy buds burst in florid bloom-
Alive again…
Painful twists of limbs rest in acceptance
become home to winged innocence
grateful stretch of glowing boughs- skyward in praise
Breathe in Life
Exhale Joy.
Author notes
Triangle of elements: pain, love, rebirth(renewal)
A contest entry
- Three Sides Of The Pyramid...Focus The Elements by Blue Rew.
2800 points, ended March 9, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I struggle with free verse, constructive comments most welcome
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Very nice and I loved the unusual form.
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Thank you!
K
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Your three elements pain, love, rebirth are well comprised in the personification of tree and spring.
I feel you have a strong foundation here as far as free verse because you present personification in a concept that is appealing and easy to digest.
As far as your formatting, I would say the piece is bottom heavy and might tilt too much towards adjectives as fillers. When I say bottom heavy, I am referring to line lengths, I.E. the beginning starts
"Winter clipped switches-
strips and stripes
licks and lashes
deep internal rings- evidence of hard seasons,
hidden tales of survival" (several stanzas in similar arrangement) then tips in the last two stanzas to
lines that are notably longer. Those follow the
stanza "She caresses thumbprint scars
left by Winter’s strangle grip.
Her kisses sink into soft wood
awaken resolve, promise release"
which does not fit the formats below or above.
The ending is lovely, poignant and does not overpower. Rather, it gives that additional impact hoped for in closing.
My suggestion would be to "trim" some of the
piece and decide which formatting you like better and blend the other lines to it. When just starting out in free verse, I found it more accessible as a writer when I approached it in terms of a loose rhythm set by myself with the first two stanzas.
Hoping this helps in some manner. I adore trees and personification and found your choice of theme matter interestingly conveyed with such phrases as:
"round gnarls, tingle touch and amber still flows
but slow". All of these giving textures to enliven the verse. Blue
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What a load of pretentious twaddle, this writer has managed to convey their feelings in an eloquent manner and you choose to pick at the construction?
"When just starting out in free verse, I found it more accessible as a writer when I approached it in terms of a loose rhythm set by myself with the first two stanzas."
What works for one will not automatically work for another but well done for offering an insight.
The meaning of "free verse" for me is in the description, it is totally free and without structure for the writer to be able to expand or contract line or even word use as they see best fits the message they wish to convey.
Who cares if the last few lines are longer? they convey that which the author wishes us to see, if you cannot allow them this freedom they will be uncertain of their own talent and bridled with insecurities. -
Thank you for your suggestions. I will try to digest them and see what I can do.
KW~
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"Spring arrives to tame cruel dominance
her compassion rains-
washing chill
filling hollows
trickle down trunk, drizzle ‘round gnarls."
I found this stanza particularly intense. It has grabbed my attention in this poem with its graphic descriptions and wonderful line breaks. Nicely done.
Thank you for a delightful entry. Best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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Thank you so much, Im not very confident in free verse, so I appreciate this.
KW~
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Excellent write! Strong description of thirst-driven "dying hope."
Second and third stanzas also convey harsh, even brutal punishments meted out, reminiscent of some that children received not too long ago.
Lovely "razor edge of eternity tipping".
Touching "she caresses thumbprint scars." Outstanding "tingle touch", excellent progression of color changes.
Excellent "painful twists of limbs rest in acceptance/become home to winged innocence/grateful stretch of glowing boughs- skyward in praise."
Outstanding concluding lines. Excellent uses of alliteration, imagery, andpersonification. A pleasure to read!
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Thank you Mirthryl
I can feel confident in a poem when it has your stamp of approval!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting
KW~
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You write wonderfully in a style that is all your own. Free verse, for me, is so difficult. It takes giftedness and talent to do it well...you succeed at it!
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Wow, thank you!! I've read some of your poetry and I am honored by your compliments!!
KW~
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Exquisite imagery
There is so much motion happening throughout this piece. I enjoyed every one of them hartily, especially this section:
"At her tingle touch, leaf buds rise to shy lime
ripen to bold green- trembling emerald renewal
rush of rosy buds burst in florid bloom- Alive again…"
It was like watching through a shutter at timelapsed photography, from bare branches to the most beautiful of blooms right before my eyes.
An amazing piece of work, I couldn't think of one thing I would change.
Best wishes in your contest!
Many blessings, Sandi
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Thank you so much!!! You definately made me smile today!!
Blessings to you
KW~
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Wow that blew me away.. I cant believe what I have read.. The words and the imagery are captivating.. The way of winter giving way to the rebirth of Spring.. Absolutley stunning write...
Love and Light AngelofLight xx
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Wow! Thank you
KW~
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Wonderful. The imagery is stunning. I'm very impressed.
Because you understand how meter works in your rhyming poetry, you fill your free verse with a wonderful little rhythm all it's own. You break up the rhythm nicely as well.
Free verse is difficult at times. It is so easy to have it turn into prose with line breaks (at least for me that is a problem).
Excellent.
Garrison
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Thank you!! I'm glad you liked it.
KW~
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I adore the compare and contrast you have going on here with all the harsh yet soft words. ... gave an almost 'dusty' feel ... as I moved along... in nature. Love,
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Thank you so much. Your always so complimentary.
KW~
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