keeping fate.

there comes a point in life where your just not afraid of what life will throw at you next, for me ofcorse,that came with a hulsome dose of reality, reality of reality, you know, growing up , being mature, not living in denial anymore. and its scarry, i think god picks only the bravest of soals to be human, so i guess this is my place in life, and i will let nothing in my path destroy me, nothing.
  well, i guess ill start by sharing with you, that my hulsome dose of reality was also death.
death can put a demon in your mind and a hole in your heart. and thats what happened to me. i was 12, my soal was filled with so much innocence that it would soon become bitter. i had a nana, more like my other mom. she lived downstairs from us in an old 70's based appartment.she was my role model, she was the bravest, kind hearted person, with a personality that would never be repeated in history as long as this earth would last. i remember her telling me that she was in a resturaunt with my grandfather when a supposed young physic came up to her and told her there was troubles in her stomach and she needed ammediat attention, being her, avoiding what she thought was rediculas superstision she never took herself to the doctors, a few weeks later she was on vacation in florida, she grew ill and couldnt function correctly, she wasnt acting in her own charicter and she wasnt eating anything except for the green jello i made for her the day she got back, she said she just wanted to feel something cold in her throat. days went by, and she got weaker, so we took her to the hospital. there, they stuffed tubes everywhere, i felt horrable. she talked about the stars, and how if i ever needed her , just to look up and shed be there. i still believe it. well anyway, the 12th day she was in the hospital, she died, something in me grew week, i lost my sepping stone, and i didnt know where to go, so i chose a new path.
  Ok, i admit, i was wrong for going in the direction i chose, but i dont regret a thing , because maybe that would mean i wouldnt be the person i am today. to put it in short words, drugs money and friends were my safe haven. i had nothing left to lean on. out every night, rebelling twards school and my parents rules, and just really having fun.when i thought i was rite about everything , i was stupid ,when i thought i could get away with everything, i got cought,and when i look back, im ashamed, i guess as you grow older, you have the audacity to let yourself know that you need to change, i never knew how .. untill he came along.
  i was sick of being used by guys.i was truely sick of it. infact, my birthday wish was to be able to find someone that would take care of me and respect my wants and needs as a real person, someone who could love me. well, lets talk about my birthday first, shall we? now im not going to throw any names out there, well because this is infact a real story comming straight from the pages of my life, i was with my friends, it was a god-offul hour in the morning. coffe was the only thing keeping me up, so i drank lots of it, we decided to have a little fun, someone pulled out a joint and we passed it atround untill the embers were gone. i heard a faint voice from the back of the room "dose she know that it was laced?", i was taking 3 different medications at the time so i didnt take it too well,my heart was racing with cramps and heavy poupatations, i was literally in fear of my life. how could my friends do this to me. long story short, i never spoke to anyone of them again.and now have an unusual fear off caffinated coffe. those girls were too much for me.i promised myself i would get better from then on.
    the day my life would surely be changed for the better, took me competly off guard. it was around 11:00 at night and i was miserable with doubt that my life would'nt have any more ups to look forward to.
i stepped hout of the shower, a cool early summer breeze gusted through the window of my grandfathers bathroom window, i moved down there with him after my nana died so he wouldnt be lonely.i dried of my body, got dressed and layed my head down to try and sleep. just when i was almost in a REM. sleep, my phone went off. i wasnt sure who it was, the number looked a little fermilliar. so i answered it , that was the best decision of my life. it was this guy masen, he asked if we could hangout. and being that he lives conveniantly right up the road from me, i got on black pants and a black shirt so i could meet him. as i walked i could see the light from his bluetooth headset reflecting off of  his face, his flawless face. he was perfect in every way. we met on a street called vanderbuilt. he asked me if i wanted to "chill in the hoodcruzer?" i said sure .. the night was amazing, i kissed him for the first time, and it felt as if i should keep him forever.
  the days after that fatefull night consisted of only him. he became the main prioraty. and that wasnt a bad thing.being with him was the only thing that had made me happy in over a year. even my parents saw it.but my brother never liked him .. my brothers pritty small for a 16 year old guy.. and masen looks like hes about 18..to put it in small words if christian tryed to come between us, masen would have thrashed him into a minor coma. but christian was unnaware of his abilities, he didnt use his fist, no, he used his head, he basicly had a full blown track record of masen cullins in his head, printed it out through his mouth and loared it into the ears of my eager witted parents, but his ideas were too dull for me. i was like a lion who lost its cub, something in me snapped, i pounced and clawed at my prey, blacked out and came out of my batty state in the hospital around 3:00 in the morning. my parents decided to sedate me. but i played off the docters , like i was nothing other then a regular human being who just had a mishap of unfortunate misbehavior. the asked me questions like, "have you ever cut yourself" and "are you aware of where you are right now"
never!, and ofcorse i was aware.., im not crazy. my parents just take things a little too far. reguardless of anything, my canny ideas and behavior got me to where i was. he never mentioned a word about him again. i won.
  it was school time, but neither of us were in school. i was being home schooled because i got fed up, so i told the school i had medical issues that needed to be attended to, masen on the other hand was out of school because of expolsion.
so this made it easier for us to hangout during the day. It was surprising how much my parents let me get away with.. yet, there was so much they did'nt know. Masen would smoke every day, its the only thing that would calm him down.you see, masen is a little messed up from his childhood. we were sitting in his room on the laptop, looking at pictures of an old cartoon character who looked surprsingly like my brothers girlfriend.(captain caveman)yeah, she was a looker. somehow we got into a conversation on how he grew up as a child, heres how the story goes, his brisk hearted mother was unemployed, they say she got bored and decided to cheat on her husband (masens father). i think somewhere deep inside brian, he knew his wife was bitter cold. one day masens father got into a motor cycle accident. his skin was tattered and torn to the bone, everybody was afraid hed loose his soal that night. masens grandmother jan, had "the hots" for his father, not getting into too much detail, she did a hell of a job nursing him back to health. masens mother cought her husband in bed with her own mother, i could never immagine the pain, but they let their own children lived through this messy situation, and really messed them up. now masen is living day by day with his grandmother and his father. i see it in his eyes, everytime he looks at her, his soal shivers with discust.So that really left him with a lot of anger issues.if i could, i would take all of his pain away.
  as humid june days turned into summer, i knew it would be the best summer of my life. one day he did something extravigant, something every girl would dream of. He took me to the trails on the corner of aquiet road, it wasnt really what wou would call "trails" it had massive open wide space where no one could see you for miles, and it had trees bordering the hole thing, just to make sure of it. He set up a pink blanket in the middle of it all, we sat and talked about how much we were inlove with eachother. then we made love, it was the most romantic thing, there were yellow flowers scattered around us , so i picked one and kept it by my bedside when i went home.
my mom got sick for a while, she had probloms with her stomach, one day it got so bad that the ambualance had to come to our house and take her to the hospital,caring neighbors rushed over to see what had happened, but were too late to talk to my mother, the ambulance took off as soon as they could. she was there for about a week. tied up with needles and tubes. she didnt know what was wrong with herself, neither did we. when me and my dad drove up to the hospital to see her, he got on the elivator, while i went to go buy her a gift from the gift shop. when my nana was duying in the hospital, thats what i did for her .. i bought her a little bown bear hugging a boquet of flowers,that had a baloon in it that said "get well".I bought my mom a little pink dog. i honestly did'nt know what was to be of my mother in the next couple of days. so i was as nice as possible to her.i got in the elivator, and pressed the button for floor two, as i inhaled a putrid aroma, i looked over to see a large man carrying a huge rolling cart with a big blue curtain covering it. i almost cryed, i was in the elivator with a dead person.i began to think, what if that persons soal came in the elivator with it. it gave me the chills. as soon as the elivator doors open i slded through them and ran to my mothers hospital bed.i gave her a kiss on the cheek, but she was too preoccupied with talking to the lady opposite her bed. i looked over to see what she looked like, she was a cancer patient, but she looked slightly like a burn victom.. i felt bad, she was the sweetest person though.suddenly the doctor walked in. he told us that he had gotten the report on my mothers sonogram. she had two sists on her overies. he said there was one the size of a grape, and one the size of an orange,why would you compare sists to fruit? that, i will never know.my aunt debbi came to see my mom, but they were taking blood from her so she sat and comferted me. i talked about how much i was inlove with masen. she said she was proud of me.infact.. i was proud of myself too. this guy was the only thing keeping me happy.. the only thing.
  as months grew, people no longer doubted us, maybe the jelous ones.. but everyone seemed to really see that we were good for eachother. we NEVER argued with eachother. and anytime we did, it wouldnt be for long , and it would end in a heartbeat with a kiss. i spent every single day with him, it was like we were married but we just didnt live together. i remember my mom telling me that if we spend too much time together, emotions would snowball up into words of argument. i never believed her. i doubted every word she said because i knew that we never fought and never had the intention to. but we did, about 4 months into the relatioship id say, but even as bad as we argued, we never broke up with eachother.. you know why? because its called unconditional love. its what we have for eachother. we always faught, back and fourth at eachother, never stopping for even the shortest breath. oh, it got bad.but as the days go by, and as you read the pages of this short little story we are still together and we are still inlove, and will remain that way, untill death do us part.