I wake,
and the taste of her lips
is still seared into my mind.
Do you know the sound
of a body betraying itself?
The shattered, whimpered gasps
stifled by a pillow
or a fist. The bitten lips – yes, it is all
in the lips; the sweet bow of them,
the lush pink – and the hands fisted into pockets,
to keep from shaking
with the urge to reach out.
You should not want.
No; be honest.
I should not want.
I should not want the curves;
they are my curves, and hers, but I know
that they would be soft
beneath my fingers, perfect
in my arms. I should not imagine
the scent of her skin, the feel of her laughter
against my neck, the colour of her eyes
in the dark –
these things
are not mine to desire.
But I do.
Author notes
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART C by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 19, 2009, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
95
Title - 4/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness with prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 9/10
Personal reaction - 10/10
Poetic devices - 8/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 15/15
I loved where you went with this... you as another person, or whatever the word is (I forget, lol). It really brings on the literal conflict. I also like how it wasn't just like "I am battling my other half" and so on, you actually skillfully used "her" and portrayed her in a number of different ways.
My only minorish major beef was that I thought you could've had a tad bit more device, in some areas. I know you went for that "raw" effect like normally, but I think just a touch more wouldn't of hurt.
Really though, Amazingly penned... excellent work. -
Title - 4/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 9/10
Emotion - 10/10
Personal reaction - 10/10
Poetic devices - 9/10
Balance of everything - 10/10
Conflict, Overall - 15/15
Total: 97/100
I think this really portrays the man vs. self when you make yourself another entity.
I really have no critique I can offer - it really is one of the best poems I have seen this round. Although I am a little curious about how the title fits in.
Chandni -
-
Chrysanthemums have an (admittedly vague) association with lesbianism, and there's nothing as helpless as a falling flower, which is why I chose the title.
-
-
I understand now, thanks.
-
-
-
Very interesting.
I adored the title. That's what drove me to choose this piece. I have a favorite song (fairly unknown) that uses the same flower and it just leaves me with such intrigue.
Oddly, I found it a good choice for the subject matter. It was very subtle but obvious enough, if that makes any sense. I could definitely see people relating, should they find themselves in such a situation because it sounds so very human. You did very well with this.
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
