This frost, it is
endless. By axe or spade, she will not yield –
capricious mother,
her whimsy falls like a sword.
If that is so, this sword is tipped with ice,
for she owns many –
be it fire or blight, plague or draught,
the land blistered and lashed until it weeps.
and fingers learn her bite,
they are red, pinched and throbbing
like the bellies of our children
if her will does not break soon.
Even the ponds are bound by it,
frozen white and motionless –
there will be no salvation by fish,
and the creatures are thin
as the whip-lash willow branches,
there is no flesh to sustain us.
Our stores are ebbing
as the moon looks on in pity,
and we pray – o mother,
have mercy. have mercy.
for our limbs are weak and trembling
beneath the ice
of your starvation.
Author notes
me; title from Christina Rossetti
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART B by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 12, 2009, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Title - 5/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 4/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 4/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 9/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 9/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 14/15
Total: 93/100
As ryan said, this was a superb write. My only issue was that towards the middle, I started to lose interest because it started to drag a bit:
Even the ponds are bound by it,
frozen white and motionless –
there will be no salvation by fish,
and the creatures are thin
as the whip-lash willow branches,
there is no flesh to sustain us.
My suggestion would be to strengthen it with punctuation as it is one long run-on sentence. The images itself are good, the structure .. not so much.
Other than that, superb.
Chandni -
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(um ~ doesn't that add up to 93?)
thanks, I'll keep that in mind ^.^ -
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it doesn't - thanks for correcting me, though
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god, you're right.
I'll ask ryan if that makes any difference with the trophies. -
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nope, it doesn't, but her poem still rocks
it puts her at an even 190 if that helps.
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97
Title - 4/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 10/10
Personal reaction - 10/10
Poetic devices - 10/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 14/15
WOW-OW-OW!
This gave me chills...I felt the cold of winter, the aching, unmanageable emotion. Your imagery was KILLER. Your devices and metaphors and similes...all worked to paint a picture that had so much reality, truth and conflict behind it... I truly, really felt this.
The only thing that bugged me a little bit was I didn't understand what happened to the "she" in the piece, this girl/woman faded away, and then you used "us/our" instead. Was this intentional? Why did you do this?
A brilliantly written, extremely well conveyed piece... eggsalad!
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'she' is the Mother, as in the earth-goddess, gaia, demeter, whatever-you-call her - the direct representation of nature, that 'us/our' is waring against
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okay, thank-you, that really helps clear up my confusion over that
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