I can taste your blood
upon my tongue;
it is bitter, dark and secret
like a battle won at midnight,
like a dagger in the back.
I know things:
the sweet crunch of your bone
beneath my palm, my heel,
the sick wet tear
of parting skin, the panting blur
of pain-sweat across your muscles.
Would they tremble, for me?
would they quake and shudder –
would you? When your flesh glistens,
naked and exposed to the air,
when your shame
is painted on your face, in your grief,
by the vanquished red-brown streaks
that once were you – would you yield?
Could you?
Author notes
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART A by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 12, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Title - 4/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 3/5
Imagery – 9/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 6/10
Balance of everything - 7/10
Conflict, Overall - 12/15
Total: 83/100
I thinkk while the questions were there and gave a lot of impact and emotion, it really lost out on the poetic tone of the peice.
I do think though that your imagery was brilliant - just the questions were a bit off-throwing.
Chandni -
82
Title - 4/5
Impact - 4/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 4/5
Creativeness prompt - 3/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 7/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 8/10
Poetic devices - 7/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 14/15
I think, overall, the form of this piece was really good... I loved the way you questioned, and attacked and tried to show the personal struggle between you and this other person... this really helped make the conflict hit harder.
However, I don't really think I felt fully captivated in it as I read along. It lost my attention. I got the idea you were aiming for - but I think that some of the phrasing came across as cliche instead of really raw, which is what I think you were hoping for (rawness). I think the sentiments and emotions would've been more powerful it there was more ... of a "depth" in the imagery and device here.
I liked the title, but I didn't really get it until my second read. As usual, I liked your poetic voice. It is so distinct and striking.
I think this is missing something ... but I think once you fully understand and figure out what that something is, I have no doubt in this being a powerful write.
Great job!
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