There must be many today
marching and waving those flags
and the breeze pushes their
message like pollen
steps like faucets
running
now bath water cooling
and suspending
the dirt
to make a halo
around the tub
that looks like
a ring of Saturn
But nobody calls me
by that name
As other words
drift in on the wind
loosed like a spoken lisp
sliding along the street
In songs
and paper-mache
vehicles that drive slow
delicate and old;
they lay
the war heros and
politicians together again
the great riddle answered
on their bloody hands waving
to the little children
4th rev, don't waste our time being kind I need suggestions
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I see!
Saturn is you
You standing alone
and all the words "they" use ignore you and your presence. -
I like this version too ...it is a bit more overt ...
withoutgoing into a rant.
I don't quite get " but nobody calls me by that name" ...i don't know what the name is....but it does sound uneasy and threatening and frightening
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the name is Saturn. Saturn is me. A world unto myself , whilst others have become a world unto each other. More rev's to come, I can see I'm not being clear enough.
thx again Adrian, and sorry to keep asking for your time, it seems as though, others are losing intrest in my work. No worries, revision might bring them back... lol
Johnny
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I agree with the comment below me. The imagery is there, but the message could be so much stronger if you went further into your personal beliefs. The foolishness of patriotism is always a topic to work with, if it is something that you are inspired by. Add more of your own passion. After a draft, I always feel that I have been repetitive. In this case slim it down, and real poetry will emerge in itself. Good job though, it is an interesting perspective. There is always room for improvement however, for everyone.
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People who march and wave flags tend to be a bit dim, so maybe work in about the foolishness of patriotism?
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OOOH
It feels quite different.
The ending
"they are too busy
they are occupied
with organized
Joy"
feels very threatening
like religious or political mania.
"But nobody calls me by that name"
There is a great sense of unease.
Fabulous stuff. -
Good stuff
I agree with everything Gemma says!
The message is strong, the imagery shines...
it just needs tightening up
I think you should just copy it out for yourself four or five times and it will naturally hone itself in the process.
Too many "ands". You could easily excise the four that begin lines
and not capitalise "That"
It is a really good poem!! You are in a strong creative groove.
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The first ten lines are brilliant, great imagery, then it could use some work. The end of line rhyming and assonance seems a little random. . cores. .smores. The next two lines could be re-worded, but I like what they convey. The internal rhyme in the next stanza works a lot more naturally and I love "black paper letters"
Love the line-
loosing like a spoken lisp
Shoulders and sunshine
pushing and shoving
me along the street
to follow like a bird without a beak
--I don't like the repeated use of "and". . The gerrunds could be cut. The line break between "shoving" and "me" doesn't quite work. "beakless" seems to be a word, I don't know if you think that would sound stupid, but the needs trimming.
. .Too many gerrunds in the last stanza. The first two lines are good, the last two a lot weaker. I like the idea of pollen bringing the message into skin, I'd change "dirty dusty"? . . maybe "flapping". Maybe it's just personal preference.
I haven't commented on a poem in months, so excuse this if it's awful. . or too much senseless critique.
Hope you're well.
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