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~An Evening With Paints~ (A Haiku)

a sun yellow drop
sinks into sea blue wet paint~
green signal for moon

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • a59teeth
    March 29
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    a wonderful image

    i enjoy the swirl of colors this creates in my mind. the last line is certainly my favorite.


  • chasingtheday gold member
    March 20

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    i like the ending here with the green signal - go moon go and shine your light now whilst i rest says the sun, after a busy day painting naure. a good poem.


  • Yemassee gold member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    It's not that the 5-7-5 rule changed. It never existed. It was just a guideline given by teachers to students when learning haiku. A haiku is not based on syllables but instead the Japanese kana, A kana and a syllable are not the same thing and so when writing an English haiku you actually use 17 syllables OR less. I mention this because I felt a comment I read on your poem was misleading.

    Here is an interesting site about haiku.

    http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/haiku/haiku.html

    I think the haiku could have been improved by shortening it to only what was necessary. Like in line one, "A sun drop" would explain the color so "yellow" would be redundant.

    The imagery and use of colors is nice. Thanks for entering the contest.


    • SabaSophiya
      March 17
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your sincere feedback on my work. I completely agree with what you have to say regarding the syllable count of a haiku written in English. "A haiku is not based on syllables but instead the Japanese kana."

      A kana and a syllable are not the same thing; and this does give us the liberty to use 17 syllables OR less for a Haiku we choose to write in English. I don't really understand why people want to stick to rules that hamper creativity. Even if the 17 syllable rule exists (which I feel it "doesn't" for the English Haiku), there is certainly no harm in altering it to enhance the effect and essence of the piece. As a word artist, I hate being confined to rules!

      Thanks for the link. And thanks for stopping by!

      I feel your suggestion for the first line sounds logically correct when you say "the haiku could have been improved by shortening it to only what was necessary"; but, I strongly feel removing the word "yellow" would create an imbalance with the second line. The "sun yellow" is a shade of yellow which is in contrast with "sea blue" of the second line, and I have deliberately employed it to highlight the two specific shades of yellow and blue to "paint" a sunset in words. I am sure you'll understand my point ....

      Thanks for your honest appraisal of my work All the best!!


  • poet2angels gold member
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful!
    I admire someone who can write Haiky so beautifully! I have never attempted it...
    This is glorious!

    Lynda


  • Shenton silver member
    March 4

    Edit | Reply

    As an artist, I enjoyed the colours on your palette.

    When I first was introduced to the 'haiku', it was described as an unrhymed triplet of Japanese origin and a 5/7/5 syllable count, which should not be titled, other than by the word 'haiku' with or without a serial number, or by a repeat of the first line.

    This edict was apparently pronounced because it was considered that, in three lines and seventeen syllables, the haiku poet had to be able to 'paint' his/her word picture without the extra colours
    that could be gained from the title, as a fourth line which, with the triplet, would then be read as a quatrain.

    In this case perhaps the title might be:

    Sun yellow drop.

    I recognise that rules have changed over the years , but for me the challenge still remains:
    No title
    No rhyme
    Triplet form
    5/7/5 rhyme scheme.

    HAIKU
    writ in three short lines
    five seven five syllables
    that is a haiku

    Shenton


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    March 4

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    A fine write, indeed. You have expressed your thoughts quite well. Thanks for sharing this one with us.


  • Little-Buster gold member
    March 4
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    Nice Haiku.
    I cant write them to save my life lol.
    Keep up the good work!

    -Buster


  • crimsondew
    March 3
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    lovely haiku ..lovely colour images spilling before my eyes...


  • Puppydog gold member
    February 28

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    LOVELY!!!!!!

    I can close my eyes and see the colors swirling together and becoming one!'s


  • estbelle gold member
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    I love the image of the sun yellow drop... honestly made me smile...I can picture the image of the sea blue wet paint...dripping. this is indeed a painting.

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