Would you like to live the life you’ve always dreamed of? Can you imagine erasing all the wrongs you’ve ever committed? Can you see yourself as a Viking martyr sacrificing yourself for the common good of your people? To once again lay as a child on a hillside and look up at the clouds invoking what animals they represent? If this is your dream, then Valhallanephrin may be right for you. So many people have this testimony after only a few weeks of just taking two 500mg. tablets of Valhallanephrin daily. The change you’ve waited for is here, consult your physician and ask about Valhallanephrin.
Serious side effects may include but not be limited to: Barking like a dog when there is a knock at the door, accompanied by an intense fear of veterinarians. It has been recorded that some users engaged in clumping large amounts of concrete sand in peaches and cream oatmeal resulting in colon malfunction. In clinical studies complete liver failure was recorded in full grown elephants. Some users of Valhallanephrin reported believing they were on their way to a concert by, “Pretty Woman and the King Bugs” while stuck in traffic. The band consisted of Roy Orbison, Elvis Presley and John Lennon.
Do not use Valhallanephrin if you currently have a Seeing Eye dog. Studies have shown that patients being treated with this drug have experienced an increased desire for the Seeing Eye dogs to copulate during walks.
Valhallanephrin is not meant to be a social interaction remedy and users have shared that their most personal and darkest secrets were posted on Myspace and Facebook as a result of using Valhallanephrin.
Patients being treated for bipolar disorder should not use Valhallanephrin as some have shared becoming octapolar, completely frustrating their therapists. This is not to be confused with other users of Valhallanephrin who declared themselves as the largest living octopus in the oceans and sought enshrinement in the Guinness Book of World Records.
Complete loss of bladder control and an insatiable desire to watch reruns of “I Love Lucy” are currently being investigated.
If you experience thoughts of immortality and suddenly wish to apologize to all those you have offended over the years, please call your doctor immediately as these symptoms could lead to more serious side effects such as becoming a decent human being.
Valhallanephrin is licensed and patented by the Viking Company, a division of Leif Erikson Pharmaceuticals, Inc.
Author notes
Valhalla is the heaven of the vikings in Norse mythology. I am so tired of watching medication commercials that have so many disclaimers at the end where the side effects are worse than the illness.
A contest entry
- MAKE ME LAUGH i really need a good laugh i've had a bad month by clara wilson-nelson.
450 points, ended March 19, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Comercials/Advertisements Write a poem about your favoritePW, Any form by echo-ink.
550 points, ended April 14, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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That was excellent! WOOF!
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Heh, made me grin a bit for sure. A serious problem though in its own light. Very well constructed this is sure to do well...Scott
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Very clever, indeed.
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Medically speaking...
I could had died laughin'!
Maybe I need a VanHalenectomy?
So worth the gold!
Rock on!
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This is good for a laugh, but makes a serious point, as well. I am with you on this, and think the medical profession has completely sold out to the drug companies, and that there has to be an end to all this madness somewhere down the road. Every hospital thinks they have to compete for the newest, the best, and the latest equipment, driving hospital and medical care completely out of the reach of most Americans. How in the world are we going to provide medical care for every man, woman, and child in this country when we are allready broke as a nation??? The insurance I have had in the past has been a complete joke, with 5,000.00 deductable - so I just take care of my own problems at home - and across the counter. I have become an expert on home remedies and herbal solutions. It is amazing what several teaspoons of vinegar a day can do for you, and there are no problematic side effects. And one other point - just because a drug is legal doesn't make it any less addictive, nor any less harmful. I enjoyed reading this a great deal.
Moses
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lol
hehehe,
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What about ,
" Do not take if you are using an MAO medication.( Is that anything like MIA?)
Do not take if you have a 'history' of heart or liver disease. ( What if someone's adopted and there IS no history?!)
Do not take if your doctor has forbidden you to do anything but get up in the morning and take Metamucil, so that anything illegal that went in...well.. comes forward....TIN MAN!
You've got the angst in order here. Loved it!
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Very amusing write
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LOL This is pretty funny! I don't know if it's poetry but it was fun to read. I know what you mean about seeing those commercials and the side effects are worse than the symptoms. It's a crazy world that we live but thanks for the laugh. I'm sure lots of people will get a kick out of this one.
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this is funny commercial like and something we deal with on a day to day basis made into a good joke all poetry is different good write cute story and the seeing eye dog thing is a bit much overall good thank you for entering
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lol! this is so funny and i wish they would play this instead of those stupid commercials. thank you for sharing this with me today and i am very much looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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Hystericalamin!!
Robin, I agree with you 100%! Not only am I sick of seeing all of those med commercials, but then there are the commercials put out by law firms that list various drugs and the serious side effects that may have caused your or a loved one to experience serious illness or death. These attorneys urge you to contact them in the event that you or a loved one has succumbed to illness or death after using the specified drugs – every time I hear that, as serious as it may be, I can’t help but laugh wondering how I’m supposed to call an attorney if I have already succumbed to death…lol. I’m from Canada, but have been a permanent resident of the U.S. for 3.5 years now, and I can honestly say that never before have I seen anything like the “Cirque de Drogue (Drugs)” that is prevalent on American television! Okay, now that I have vented – sorry, but you opened this “can of worms” or should I say “can of drugs”…lol, here are my comments on your poem.
The theme of your poem is original, witty, humourous, and thought-provoking. When I read the title of your poem, an old Lucy episode immediately came to mind. Do you remember the episode “Lucy Does a TV Commercial”, in which she ends up drunk after numerous takes of her drinking bottles of vitamin syrup called Vitametavegamin? I laughed so hard, I almost wet myself! Here is a quote from that episode:
"Lucy: (drunk) Well, I'm your Vitavatameatymac girl. Are you tired, rundown, listless? Do you pop at parties? Are you unpoopular? (pauses) Well, are you?"
For comic relief, that episode is well worth watching :-).
Since Valhalla is the heaven of Vikings, perhaps you could play on that theme a little more. In a number of your scenarios, Valhallanephrin seems to act more like a hallucinogenic drug, which may be what you were aiming for besides the obvious satire related to the drug industry. You might also try stretching out the “heaven” theme by playing on the various ways one could literally reach Valhalla through the use of Valhallanephrin. I tend to agree with Tealeaf412 about limiting the side effects to elements of Norse Mythology/Viking Life, though this is not discounting the great humour of the current content of your poem. So, the “hallucinogenic” aspects of this drug can be put in the context of Viking life, as Tealeaf mentioned, but to take it one step further, Valhallanephrin, if taken in too large a dose or for too long a period of time, will cause death (the ultimate side effect..lol) and transport the person to Valhalla, where all illness will be completely eradicated. You could make this drug one that gives the user the option to have a milder dose with milder results, or the choice of “Megavalhallanephrin”, the ultimate strength of drug that will cause its user to be totally courageous and risk-taking, since he or she is ready to enter Valhalla, at any cost. Like Tealeaf412 said, the user could opt to lie down in a boat and set him/herself on fire. A battle-weary warrior could take it to give him the courage to go down to an enemy camp alone and fight the ultimate battle that will guarantee him entry into Valhalla. Another scenario could show a woman who has lost her whole family when their village was pillaged by a marauding band of Vikings. She has nothing left to live for, and chooses to take Megavalhallanephrin to give her the courage to seek revenge on her village’s enemies and, consequently, most likely find herself raped, tortured, and ultimately killed, thus, securing herself a place in Valhalla. In a sense, this drug becomes a drug of choice, perhaps like some people on their death-beds who choose euthanasia.
I hope I haven’t gone too far over the top with this…lol. At any rate, I truly enjoyed reading Valhallanephrin. Regardless of my or anyone else’s comments, the message of your piece is powerful and that is what counts. Thank you for posting this.
Here’s my last piece of advice: You might consider sending a copy of your poem to the drug manufacturers. In fact, I will gladly send your finalized copy to my cousin who is the president of the largest generic pharmaceutical firm in Canada, if you give me the word. He already knows how I and his own mother and sister feel about drugs, and the irony of it all is that he agrees with us! LOL Drugs may be necessary at times, but, overall, there are too many people taking too many nonessential drugs, when alternative paths are available to them. Also, have you considered posting this on YouTube?
I have said more than enough…hope this helped.
P.S. I'm an old-timer who was away from Allpoetry for several years. I made a short appearance last year to update my homepage and see what was happening at the site. But, I disappeared again until very recently. To be honest, I'm unfamiliar with the way things work now...in fact, I'm pretty clueless...lol. Any help from the good people of Allpoetry would be very welcome :-). That being said, Robin, I'm leaving you 3 "Applauds". It says "Cost: 5 free left, You have 135 (?)". As I said, I'm clueless as to how all this works! If you've gotten this far, thanks for reading through all of my babbling...lol.
Linda
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This is funny! It sounds like one of those parody commercials run on Saturday Night Live or something. I think everyone is frustrated by the ridiculous side effects some of those commercials list.
"If this is your dream, then Valhallanephrin may be right for you?" - no question mark.
I think it would be funnier if you kept the side effects more limited to elements of Norse mythology/Viking life, like patients experiencing strong desire to drink flagons of mead and to buy heavily bejeweled melee weapons, or thoughts of suicide involving laying down in a boat and setting yourself on fire.
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well now I'm left wondering about Pretty Woman and the King Bugs....that would have been some band! This was a fun read. This is a great satire of what we see and read about the latest, greatest drug. Well done.
Rory
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LMAO
love it!! they should run this on TV one day. i think it'd be a hit
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lolol I have said that same thing so many times. your title is a riot and your piece delightfully witty. I came in here thinking I needed some of that, but that seeing eye dog thing has spooked me off.
this is fun!
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