Pretending I'm Alive

Why should I miss a love
I never had a chance to know?
I feel an emptiness there,
And the loss almost overwhelms a fragile heart,
That shattered hull of brokenness,
Feebly reassembled with starving patches of hope
Gleaned from scant moments of joy.
And when it seems the cracks begin to mend again,
Stemming the bitter bile that oozes from every fissure
A poison of self-doubt for every mood and situation
Self-flagellating words spoiling every thought
Self-loathing stealing every triumph
One small, callous word or deed
Splinters the world again.
Spider webs of sadness mar the surface
Herald of a looming break-down.
Lonely tears trace a path from red-rimmed eyes
Down flushed cheeks
And drop from quivering chin to sobbing chest;
Soaking my shirt-front,
A silent stain of despair.

But you never will see me weep
Nor hear the soul-wrenching cry.
I’ll keep it inside
Though it nearly breaks me.
Better to put on a brave face,
Stiff upper lip,
Suck it up,
Laugh to hide the pain,
Pretend everything is fine,
That I'm alive,
That I will live,
That nothing has changed,
Say it is my fault,
Watch you go your way,
No second glance,
No second chance,
Turn away when it is too much to bear,
While I die a little more each second,
And wish it were so.