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The Secret

The revealed demons inside his heart,
will seize the beauty in her soul.
The prominent angels inside her heart,
will peacefully vanquish the evil in his presence.

This mystery is all because of one question how,
can the sacred heart fall in love with demise?
He's just an angry brute that fills her with lies.

He drinks the hate of the war in her past,
like the nourishment from mother to infant.
The anesthesia of the mind wont last that long,
and what used to feel right will finally feel wrong.

A contest entry

What do you think?

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • Faded Existence
    March 12

    Edit | Reply
    I do agree with noonithewitch... I feel that there could have been more added to this story. But I do like what is displayed here. I love this story... and it has great potential to be expanded. Good flow... nice form and I too like the simple, unforced rhyme. Great write.. thanks so much for your entry. Good luck in the contest!

    -Faded


  • lolagirl
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    i like the poem, its short but leaves alot to the imagination. it is quite beautiful


  • NooNiThEWitcH
    February 28

    Edit | Reply
    You asked for constructive criticism, so I won't be indecent but I'll be honest..

    You are moving through many ideas quite quickly.. first it was the angel and the demon falling in love then the question of 'how?'
    Then you focus on the demon as being "an agry brute that fills her with lies", that "drinks the hate of the war in her past"... etc..
    So we get an idea as to why this demon might like this angel.. but what about the angel? Why does she fall in love with this demon? what in him makes her want him?

    The poem is also short, I feel more can be added to it.
    I like the simply, unforced rhyme.. it flows very smoothly. I also like your dark atmosphere and your choice of words.


    Good luck in the contest,
    Nooni

  • StarGrrl
    February 27

    Edit | Reply
    Good write. I like the flow of the piece and the way you interpreted the picture. I didn't understand one line - "the sacred can heart fall in love with demise?" but it might just be the way I am reading it. Good luck in the contest!


    • thoughtfuldead
      February 27
      Edit | Reply

      Sorry bout that,

      the line you didn't understand was my fault. I wrote it out wrong. It should have said "the sacred heart can fall in love with demise". It's all fixed now. =)

1 - 5 of 5