Something stirs the peacocks
as I sit here in the dark,
their dinosaur cries echo all around.
I remember the first time that you laughed
like you had a feather tickling it out
from deep inside your belly.
You laid on the floor next to me
chewing on your fingers
your laughter spread throughout the room.
What did your four week old eyes
find so funny?
And I remember your first fledgling steps
taken on the slippery, yellow kitchen tiles.
The very next day,
you were racing the wily coyote.
Born ravenous,
like a chick that’s just pecked its way
out of the shell. Mouth open,
wide as your neck,
I could not feed you fast enough.
Your hunger never decreased
eagle eyes swallow up
everything in sight.
You gulp life
like a pelican
choking down fish
without taking time to taste it.
And sometimes when I look at you now,
I see a young peacock,
preening and flaunting
your tail feathers at the world
and yet, so overbalanced
you can‘t fly.
Author notes
This did not come out the way I wanted it to. It has not been revised yet. I am worried that the metaphor is over-done. Suggestions are always appreciated. Thank you.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
-
Metaphor is not over done for me...I love the idea that you've compared children growing up to birds.. gulping up life, hunger never satisfied, and yet as an aristocratic peacock their colors hide their clumsyness in life.
But I have one question.. in the next to last verse.. you write "your hunger never decreased.... then you go on to write "you gulp life" why not use "gulped life" (still past tense as in the word decreased)?
I'm the last person to offer suggestions on writing as I'm still learning. But thats that way it read for me then I noticed the word was gulp when I read gulped...
Jo
-
-
Thanks for your thoughts. I wanted that line to be present tense, because he is still swallowing his food whole, so to speak. I think the problem may be that I need some punctuation after the word "decreased."
-
-
my 23 yr old is still swallowing food by the plate full. where does it go?!! As far as writing goes, your way ahead of me! and I learn from you. 
Jo
-
-
-
The way I personally view metaphors is that if you use one, well, so what? If it lies in the same language one has to assume it will reappear at some point or another, right?
As to this poem; I like it a lot. I thought that it was loevely and inspiring. Children are so beautiful, aren't they? Everything is new to them, and every day is soaked with discovery. This poem is really well above the norm here and you really outdid yourself. - ocerus
-
Brilliant
Extraordinary piece, beautifully expressed, full of imageries...The metaphor is not overdone, going through stages in life, from pellican to peacock...cool.
Vito
-
This write sounds as if you are comparing the infant to a vulture of some sort. A mix of many birds
-
I love this...
Metaphor is not at all overdone, imagery is perfect. I could see it all and it was touching as well....Perfect I say...
Bravo!
Lynda
-
-
Thank you so much Your comment put a smile on my face.
-
-
Danna
The metaphors are not overdone at all.... They're balanced by the title...
I after the first read I don't think you need to edit it at all... As a matter of fact I think this deserves the spotlight and I think I'll recommend it for the same...
There was a sense of class in this write which, I'm sorry to say, is hard to come by in this site...
Well done again...
It'll be interesting to see your comments on my work...
Respectfully,
Amartya -
-
Thank you for your encouraging comment. You are very kind.
-
-
OMG
one of if not your best yet - other than that i am speechless Danna
-
-
Thank you, dear one.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 12 of 12
