it is hard to describe
the way my ribs rattle
when I tune;
the perfect way fingers
work when they are
there
thentherethenthere
;
I told you not to cry
so shutup the piano
you keep pressing,
the one we made
love on the chords
leave it still -
hush
quiet now:
are your bones quivering?
quit holding mine
and let me check:
my hands are broken.
~~~
Author notes
prompt: man vs. man
www.allpoetry.com/And_Hyetal
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART A by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 12, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
of course that's how you're supposed to feel.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Title - 4/5
Impact - 3/5
Form/Format - 3/5
Clarity - 4/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 4/5
Imagery – 9/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 7/10
Poetic devices - 8/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 12/15
Total: 80/100
I actually don't know what to say, because this is so much unlike you.
I agree with ryan, but my main problem with this was the flow. The choppyness didn't really work very well and so reduced the amount of motion you could get from this. Like ryan said, it was an excellent idea and I do feel like you could put more into this and make it amazing.
Other than that [and also shutup the piano didn't work for me] it was okay.
Chandni -
83
Title - 2/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 4/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 7/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 8/10
Poetic devices - 9/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 12/15
The title just didn't quite do it for me. I had trouble connecting it to the piece/the concept... and without knowing that you weren't using the cliche cutting up a rose whole idear, it was hard to let the title drag me in...
Other then that... my only main issue was that you didn't GO with this. There was an ingenious idea you had here... but I don't think you ran with it as far as you could. I felt like there was more of a deeper, powerful conflict that you didn't get to the roots of. I would've used more imagery and raw emotion to portray this, while working in harmony with the concept. This would've also give you a better mark in the 'balance' section.
Okay, really though, I loved your idea. It was really powerful for be, and the symbolism was extremely well done - I just think you had so many doors opened because of it, and you didn't enter any of them, and I know you can because you are genius!!
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Awesome and brilliant all in one...
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shutup the piano doesn't quite work for me...
but this is excellent. How have you been? I'm sorry I haven't been commenting on your work...I shall try and catch up but you may be too prolific lol
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I need to catch up on yours as well. D:
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You are so amazing.
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wow... this is awesome! good luck in that contest, you'll do great!
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this.. was just... brilliant.
no fair. haha. anyway.
"I told you not to cry
so shutup the piano
you keep pressing,
the one we made
love on the chords
leave it still -"
wow. that part stung in harsh clarity. it was... like an entire movie playing in my head, with the focus set hard on one scene where it's raining outside and grey inside.
yes, I adore this poem.
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Thank you so much!
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you're f'ing amazing! gold gold gold. love it!
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