Proud at the end of time
Making payment for our crime
Eyes gazing toward smoky sky
Here we gather waiting to die.
Huddled with friend best and true
We bid each other a painful adieu
Stricken whispers of deepest fears
Confessions pouring like our tears.
We were not meant to fit in
We didn't try and that was our sin
And now we sit with heads held high
Waiting for a last chance to defy.
A press of lips, a pained sigh
Our gaze settles on burning sky
Ash falling to my face
With you is my proper place.
We two men were never free
We wait brashly, to cease to be.
Author notes
When the end comes whether it be the end of the world or just my life, I want to be able to say that I didn't bow down to the expectations of others and society. I suppose that is where this came from. Nothing is more important to me than that feeling of freedom.
A contest entry
- At the end of world, what is truly important? by SoulfulBubbles.
650 points, ended March 6, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I thought this to be an exceptional piece...
"Proud at the end of time
Making payment for our crime
Eyes gazing toward smoky sky
Here we gather waiting to die."
NOT ONLY DID YOU HAVE A SUPERB RHYME.. BUT THE IMAGERY WAS IMPRESSIVE.
"Huddled with friend best and true
We bid each other a painful adieu
Stricken whispers of deepest fears
Confessions pouring like our tears."
I CAN REALLY GET THE VISION OF TWO FRIENDS HUDDLED TOGETHER.. ALTHOUGH I GET THE SENSE THIS IS MORE THAN A MERE FRIENDSHIP??? HENCE THE TITLE? I ALSO LOVED THE USE OF ADIEU... IT IS NOT USED OFTEN. GOOD JOB POET.
"We were not meant to fit in
We didn't try and that was our sin
And now we sit with heads held high
Waiting for a last chance to defy."
IT TAKES GREAT STRENGTH TO CONTINUE ON.. ALTHOUGH ONE DOES NOT FIT IT.. PERHAPS IT IS BETTER TO ACCEPT ONES LIFESTYLE??? IT WILL PROVIDE GREAT PEACE.
"A press of lips, a pained sigh
Our gaze settles on burning sky
Ash falling to my face
With you is my proper place."
AH, THE PASSION OF THE KISS.. .EVEN IN PERILOUS TIMES.
"We two men were never free
We wait brashly, to cease to be."
AWW... THIS WRETCHED LIFE....
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For some reason, your sense of rhyme wasn't prevalent until the end. The last two stanzas are particularly powerful and I noticed the rhyme in the end. I'm not saying the rhyming is bad in the first, it just seems dormant and doesn't come into effect until the end where it's most necessary and impactful that it does.
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i like this one. you say what needs to be said to get your point across efficiently. it's cohesive and easy to understand.
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Best freinds are rare. Congratulations on the bronze.
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Superb Plus +
Aye, I quite agree with the thoughts you so ably expressed in this write. I think you might enjoy my poem "Puppets", if you haven't already read it.
Here's a link to it:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2276250
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