But now I feel dizzy
I wonder what is wrong
I think of an escape to my dear dwelling.
My heart says yes, but my mind favors not.
Have squandered the whole day
within the cabin; swallowed enough beef,
both to my hunger and fancy, still why I feel sick?
The freshness of the air, I doubt, is reduced a bit
The surface is bumpy, but I am not sure.
The first ever visit to this big vessel
puzzles me with shocks very new
But oh! What can I learn from here?
My days are done? Why so quick?
Blurred vision of mine shows me no small details.
A human thing vomits; why he is very dull?
Light, within my eyes, is turning off and on;
now it is dim and dark. Fading thoughts, prayer
and wish, I guess, I am walking towards
holy hell or sacred heaven.
I blame my vulnerability to the rocking
motion of the craft; never in my future, will I visit
this place again. God, forgive me
for I am a greed and a glutton;
save me from here, give me a new life.
Author notes
POW Contest
*Seasickness of a rat and its first day of experience onboard sailing craft.*
[I took it as a challenge and let my thoughts flow.. just within twenty minutes I gave a shape to my flow... I am afraid there are grammatical and punctuational flaws... but I don't want to go for an edit as what is here is real and that's all is my knowledge as of now... am improving upon my writing skills... Thank you]
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
1800 points, ended February 28, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
:)
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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You portrayed this very well. I would have never guessed it was a rat. I don't really get sea sickness. But I do get car sickness when I'm not driving.
Well done.
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oh wow do I know all about sea sickness... I have chronic motion sickness which means that I get sick on the water... on the land... in ambulances, in cars, etc. No fun at all. I truly can relate to this write.
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Hey trekkergirl...
Thanks for stopping by my little poem..glad that you could relate to this....
Love
Kiddy
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Hello & welcome to POM!
Dictionary.com defines "pathophobia" as "a fear of disease." Yes, I had to look it up
Seeing your theme, I'm not entirely sure how the title fits ~ but (like the other judges) I would have clicked to see what the poem was about!
The flow is a bit bumpy (which could help one understand why the rat was seasick! -- kidding!), but the piece has good visuals. With some reworking of the format & phrasing, this could be quite an entertaining read. I encourage you to keep entering PO' contests to help you grow as a writer ~ there is a lot to be learned for those who desire.
A nice PO' debut, welcome to AP! Thank you & best wishes in POM, my scores will be in the final comments. Please remember, no editing until after final judging.
~ Tim -
Welcome to the POM.
I would click this title - to see what the write was about.....so nicely done on choosing a title that will draw readers in!
Your theme - I know I just saw this theme in the last week - somewhere......but, still it is 'new' and creative.
This read like prose, like a story to me told in the first person - with some depth, but not enough imagery. Length of lines, and so many being capped, also threw off the flow for me.
Interesting, but just not filled with excitement, power, impact - for me anyways. Still, all in all, not too bad a read.
My scores will be turned in. Best wishes in this contest.
Remember: no editing once a judge has commented.
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you did excellent work within 20 minutes. I enjoyed the flow, and feeling of going in a voyage in sea. Best of luck Kiddy
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Hello
As a Newbie to the PO' Contests, we ask that you not pull your work after we take the time to read, review, critique, comment & score your wok.....sometimes, new Poets think we are tearing their work apart, when it is just the opposite.....we are trying to help you make it better -
Ok....on with your critique
Never.....start a S* or L* with the word *But* -
You have a lack of punc.'s which do not give me much of a clue as to where my brain should be stopping or starting ahead of where my eyes are reading -
Your S*'s are quite lonnnng and there is too much info crammed into each S*......do not be afraid to break your thoughts apart and place them into smaller S*'s....Quatrains...non-rhyming Couplets....Singel L's even -
.....but....anything over 5 L's per S*, gets wordy and become Prose'ish and Free Verse in Tone......and perse' the Rues, we ask for Poetic Beauty & Poetic Tone ~
You have only used 24 L's of your *required ( 27 ) L's....a small deduction there
*for I am a greed and a glutton*......too many spaces after *and* -
You know, this is really a good write.....I believe, your formatting is what is going to hit you hardest here -
Love your talent of Visuals & Imagery......however, this reads so wordy and sets itself up for FV Tone....or Prose' Tone -
....and....( 28 ) Fillers are not helping your Poetic Tone -
Fillers = *are....like.....the....and.....is.....of....that.....to*
I am not saying to not use them...I am suggesting to use them sparingly -
Thank you so much for entering....I hope I get to see your talent back here agin for a POW Contest......good luck!
Bear ~
Title 9.75....had me curious..yes, I would click on it just to find out what it was about -
Flow 9.75....great Flow....your word choices created the Tone and made for good reading -
Depth 9.55.. depth is okay...a tad wordy though and not enough guts to your Theme? -
Theme 9.45....a nice Theme ...just not as Poetic as I look for -
Feelings 9.15..you got into character and brought out great personification -
Grammar 9.05.. nice grammatical choices....just not as Poetic as I look for -
Presentation 7.6...lonnnng S*'s are not recommended -
Uncommonness...9.55...creative for sure..but I believe, this could have been penned much more beautiful....and yes, even rats can be beautiful -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.10...I did not ponder..pretty straight-forward -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75....watch out for L MAX
...nice job 
-Bears Score: 92.7
Cool!
Not bad at all
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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oh wow im gonna have to read more by you i see. I like this a lot. about your notes though, look, dont get caught up in the no edit thing because what you already wrote down is real... trust me, even when you edit its still real. even more real. all you are doing is working out the kinks, you are not degrading the scribe at all. you have a fine write here, and not that i have peeped your work you can count on me reading more. much love and respect
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