i wonder why
you stood alone
on the Pomme de Terr,
the apple of
our world
and let your blood
splatter the snow
like fallen fruit
slipping off
the tree.
was the wind strong
on your face?
reminding you
that you can
get colder,
or was the whole earth
silent for you?
your last breath
lost in the blizzard
of this small prairie town
Author notes
for david ege.
critque for goodness sake
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- nocturne. by Immortal Obscurity.
1750 points, ended March 25, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
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If there were anything to critique here, I would most certainly find it. But all I see before me now is art, and that in itself is a feat; most people your age are writing this run-of-the-mill emo shit, but not you. This is penned with grace and poise, a maturity beyond your years. Well done, and thank you for entering!
Laura
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thank you, that is really nice to hear
peace to all ~flight
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I really like this poem, especially the way the end links back to the beginning and makes me see that no matter how the world is changed - he is dead - no change has happened.
You wanted critique, so just quickly a few things that struck me - the periods in lines 7 & 8 were too abrupt, halted when I should have been passing on. line 10 is a bit clunky, you can say it better. line 16, I wanted to read 'in' instead of 'into', line 31 period could be a comma.
Best of luck in the contest, will have to read more of you.
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i changed it a little. thanks a lot for the technical stuff,
i need that
peace to all ~flight
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