once there was a face swept pink
like cement stained from moisture and aridity;
it was chiseled from a truly naked lightbulb
in the off-position.
to the shame of all,
we fought over it
through nausea,
through generations.
and since then,
we can't get around some
recent news that can't be true:
that all men when they fall
want to pull each other's skirts down.
we thought to mark the land
by all the cracks in the cement,
but when we saw them we cried out,
that wasn't what we meant
to break.
there's no end, only little losses,
each like a number
rubbed off a watch face.
and soon enough,
we'll scrape the inky residue
from our thumbs,
onto a long-forgotten sweep
of pink, the color of cement
stained, just stained.
then, when everything is one single crack,
we'll go around, around, we'll just
feel so broken again.
Author notes
http://allpoetry.com/exit-de-jugador
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART A by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 12, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Title - 5/5
Impact - 3/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 4/5
Theme - 3/5
Creativeness prompt - 4/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 8/10
Poetic devices - 8/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 12/15
Total: 83/100
I don't think there is anything i can say that ryan hasn't said already.
Although i have one contradicting thought with him - I feel that this is a much simpler take than your previous writes - and so I wasn't onfused at all during the peice. It may b that he's looking toward a different emotion that may clash with this.
I do however feel that due to the simplifying, it started to lack emotion which in turn affected the imagery. There are things you could work on, but I think you could figure it out better - perhapsby reading it out loud.
In any case, I feel you are progressing, and that is important.
Chandni -
-
thanks! well that's a relief, i was scared i was stuck in a rut and going nowhere.
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87
Title - 4/5
Impact - 4/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 3/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 9/10
Emotion - 8/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 9/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 13/15
This is really abstract, but I like it. I think you are slowly declaring it as your still... and it is kind of cool how you pull it off (in some parts of the piece) so that your metaphors/similes/images/concepts and really creative ideas can really hit the reader hard about a subject or a theme.
I will repeat myself from other comments though: I feel like if you had've made your ideas and subject a little clearer at certain parts in the poem (without sacrificing your wonderful abstractness), this piece would've been in the 90's. But, the confusing-part of it took away from the emotion, balance, and overall clarity.
I think you did a great job with your theme/subject though. It took quite a few reads (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) and the images and devices were so provocative and fresh they really spoke wonders about your message.
Each image brings something new to your write - I especially love the pavement, like a path we follow, and the skirts, degrading each other.
You've got a brilliant mind, my only suggestion is to make it so that us less-brilliant have a passage-way in your piece to get into your thoughts. Excellent work.
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