Plucking up corn and grit,
sun barely noticeable,
as thick smoke fills air,
leftover from last night’s fire.
None of us dared get close,
‘cept for naïve chicks,
to the pit of hell and death
where humans eerily chant;
darkness absorbing prayers,
to what evil I don’t know.
Old Man Rooster’s time was up,
as they snatched him from sleep.
His screams for help woke us.
Scurrying about house and yard,
dodging large stomping feet.
Old man rooster hung by his legs;
his wings spread like an angel’s.
He wasn’t to be seen again last night,
but chanting grew more intense.
Old Man Rooster could be heard pleading.
Silence fell upon the humid night,
then words and nonsensical babbling.
Sleep came over camp before dawn.
I reflect now, as I watch the farmer.
Eying me with too much interest,
cleaning the blade of Old Man Rooster;
I know in my heart, tonight is my time.
Author notes
POW Contest
Theme: Satanic Sacrifice from the chicken's point of view
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
1800 points, ended February 28, 2009, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Life is strange. There seems to be both pleasure and pain.
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Hello & welcome to POM!
Personally, I like the title ~ it leads me to wonder just who - or what - was plucked & why...
When I first saw "naïve chicks," I thought you were using slang for ignorant girls! The next character we meet is "Old Man Rooster," and then pieces started falling into place for me...
While some of this does dabble into "prose" territory, the imaged are dark and eerie and definitely hold my attention. Sad to say, I know someone that went through rituals such as this when she was a teen...
Yes, the flow is hindered, perhaps, by too much wording in some areas...I'd suggest being more free with not-so-traditional formatting/punctuation to enhance the piece & using less wording to ease the flow (or more creative ways around filler words).
The closing line I find sobering, stark, one that lingers. Nicely done.
Thank you & best wishes in POW! My scores will be in the final comments. Please remember, no editing until after all judging is final.
~ Tim -
Welcome to the POM.
I would not click on this title - too general for this write IMO. It could be about 'plucking' eyebrows...lol....I think this creative write needs a much more powerful title.
Your theme is definitely not one I've seen before! congrats on that!
I thought your flow, images and creativity were all good. I did feel in spots that this read like prose. However, I found it most interesting - and certainly creative!
My scores will be turned in. Best wishes in this contest.
Remember: no editing once a judge has commented.
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Hello Kim -
Well, you did bring me a good story, but your Poetic Voice and Poetic Beauty were lost ....IMHO -
Your 1st S* is Great...you started off Poetic.....your 2nd S* b egan to get into the Flow & Tone of a Creative Theme....but.....then your 3rd S* comes along, and you went completely FV & Prose' on me
Also...( 14 ) Fillers....not too bad though, but that is also how your write became more....Story'ish....IMHO -
It reads as a Story from S* 3 on to the end......and I know you were excited to write this....it shows in your voice....but I think during your excitement, you forgot about how & what the Bear is looking for -
Creative is one thing......but telling a Story is another.......in other words.....this Story can be found all over childrens books....and in places where humor is encouraged -
Hmmm...just not for me this month Kim....sorry Doll
Please be patient as your other Judges make their way here to read & crituqe this write....good luck!
God bless & thank you for entering
Bear ~
PS....Read last weeks winning POW Contest winner, by Xianaria......>>>> http://allpoetry.com/board/topic/268615845 <<<......I am searching for more depth and serious clarity.....and penned with a beautiful Poetic Voice.....I mean...who would've thought bloodcells could be Poetic?
Title 5.5.. I would not click on this Title....not even as a MET Title -
Flow 9.45....good Flow....but, your word choices and Fillers hindered this Flow -
Depth 9.85.. depth is okay...a tad wordy though and too mucg like FV Tone -
Theme 5.75....a nice Theme ...just not as creative as I like to see....and even with only 27 L's available, it is still possible to bring more to the contest with that subject in a Poetic way -
Feelings 6.5...lacking feeling considerably....I did not feel as though you connected with your subject at all -
Grammar 7.25.. grammatical choices are simple....just not as Poetic as I look for -
Presentation 6.6....lonnnng S*'s are a curse here.....too much packed into one lonnng S* is a huge turn off....for me....break up your thoughts more....don't be afraid to experiment qas Xianaria does with his formatting......makes for better reading.....IMHO -
Uncommonness...6.55...not creative.... I believe, this Theme is done and over-cooked-
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.70...sorry Kim, I did not ponder -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...perfect....nice job
-Bears Score: 75.15
Ouch!
Well, you know a little more each time of what to do, and what NOT to do....thank you for entering....your other Judges are coming behind me....no editing once a Judge has touched yur work ~
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aaaaah (grabbing chest, staggering, falling to knees)
you've killed meeeee............
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....hehe....sounds like the chicken had it worse!
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ha ha ha... Very creative...I loved reading this piece... I will be thinking about the same everytime I open the frozen chicks pack... good job there... all the best in the contest
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Wow!
Oh my some poem you have created. This is great. Terrific images. Best of luck in the contest.
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I'm glad I'm not a chicken. brilliant images you gave here. great job!!
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Wow, very vivid piece. The images are spot on. I like the chicken's view point. It's a very different way to approach a piece. Great write. - cgirl0410
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I like your theme very interesting.
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Thanks so much. It sort of goes with: http://allpoetry.com/poem/5086977
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OMG what an awesome Theme! you nailed this no doubt. i really enjoyed reading this.
"None of us dared get close,
‘cept for the naïve chicks,
to the pit of hell and death
where humans eerily chant,
darkness absorbing prayers,
to what evil I don’t know."
that conversational pace and rhythm really made this even better.
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aaaaw. Thank you for your kind words. I truly apperciate it.
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