Dawning sunshine
perfection
her nervous painful smile
strangling dolphin in abandoned net
Usual confidence
replete in my hourglass of hope
fine grey sand of haunted beach
trickling away
heartbeat after heartbeat
dolphins surf the breakers
playing piscine predators
unknowing and uncaring
We follow
Faltering
until it's time
Clean white coat
clinically precise
wrapped in artifical sympathy
Maybe sixty sunrises
Worm of corruption feeds
glutting on rare beauty
death will bring its own
unknowing and uncaring
Dolphins surf the breakers
playing piscine predators
unseeing and uncaring
I fill an empty ocean
for the last time
..
.
Author notes
Hope springs eternal until the day doctors tell you someone you love does not have long
A contest entry
- It all falls away by Puking Faerie Dust.
900 points, ended April 19, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Aegis of Heimdel Auditions by adsaige.
530 points, ended July 17, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the asylum rounds;; auditions. [do you have what it takes?] by heavenbird.
800 points, ended August 6, 61 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any feedback most welcome
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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yes
i see potential. the lack of punctuation and the excessive fragmentation hindered this, but you have some good ideas. you just need to learn how to make them more cohesive.
and i agree with christina about the last line. -
You really don't need the last line. Your poem ended the line before.
I personally really liked it, especially that last line "I fill an empty ocean". I see a spark that we can work with. I say a yes. -
No.
This was a good write but was a bit too...ambiguous and fragmented for me.
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Those last few lines really did it for me. The rest of the write was great but it felt a bit scattered. But in the end, it all fell together and added that tang of pain and really hit deep. This was a beautiful write, thank you for entering
Jeanette*~
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Beautiful and painful—the second stanza is chilling. I love your description of two months as "maybe sixty sunrises." Very powerful image, since it whittles someone's life down to days. Heartbreaking.
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The sadness of waiting. after all (sixty is not really enough) and the sea of tears, beautifully wrought,
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This is a very well composed poem and I read it three times and get the picture and gist of it,
but what has thrown me off was the title
it may be me but I cannot make the connection
I did however enjoy the poem
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Thanks for the comments everyone
T was her first initial nothing more
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The sad but beautiful image of "sixty sunrises" captures the poignancy of this poem. Life slowly slips away while everywhere the world revolves as normal. The hourglass of hope tricklng away is difficult to read, and I'm sure it was difficult to write. Peace, Liz
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profound images in sharp contrasts of each other. and there it is "Maybe sixty sunrises" my heart goes out to you, I remember what it felt like when we were told dad had the same amount of time left. I filled a few oceans myself
s and prayers, Sandi
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This poem is so sad and feels very tragic. The juxtaposition of the pristine dolphins with the clinical white coated entities is chilling. I do not know the story behind the poem but I do feel the terrific sadness in it.
Bitterly beautiful write.
- joanne -
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