not so tall anymore

sometimes, I regret that I said
anything at all
sometimes, I think that,
I should have just sucked it up
dealt with the pain,
took what we were
and left  it that way

but I got just a little sick
of being something more
and something less
and of feeling used
because I loved you

so, I fought for more
the more you told me that Maybe
couldn't exist,
and you hurt me,
while you chose
and you reminded me of
your former patience
while I remained faithful
to a cheater

you were always there
and one night,
I just realized,
that you were it,
and that it made sense,
that it could be easy,
that it could work
that i could be happy

so I pried myself from him
and transferred to you
in an attempts to have a life again
I wanted it all too soon
and I cannot  get it

here I am today,
dusting off my remains,
feeling I have failed,
feeling like I should've just,
let you be with who you wanted
or with no one at all
I should've let you vie for me
like I did for years

but the moment,
the moment I resurfaced
and you got me back,
things shifted into order,
and gears got to working

months later,
we're someplace
we're happy
and I've accepted a few things
and done a few things to make me
more presentable to you

you have no reason to stay,
you could've left a long time ago
but you loved me, so you hung around
present through all my breakdowns
and somedays, somedays,
I wish I'd said nothing at all
so that somehow,
I could remain more than 3 feet tall
and I could've guessed at how happy we would've been
instead of knowing the actual truth

you hide,
i hide,
you lie,
i lie

but we're happy together,
and you're so far away more than half the time
that I wonder why it's taking me so long
and I try shaking myself out of the syndrome

I haven't bled this deep in years
and I haven't felt this much with tears
I thought you were the 2nd or the 3rd
but it feels like you've always been 1st

I love you,
I just don't stand so tall
in your eyes anymore.