Hatred, mistrust,
ripped my heart out,
while still bleeding
stomping it to bits.
Seeing red spots
as anger sets in.
Sinister looks shoot
daggers across the room.
Pretending sincerity,
all concerned,
the tiger has claws
pouncing upon prey.
Love stuck in the middle,
contest of wills,
who outlasts who?
Winners or insecure losers?
Confusion, hurt
feelings swimming around
a pool of emotions,
drowning deeply.
Procrastination
feuled by indecision,
blissfully happy,
oblivious.
Waiting over,
romantic ties cut
no more happy ending.
Author notes
POM
theme: two ex girlfriends in love want the same man and the one that sacrificed her love for his happiness
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM - by Bear by Arkbear.
1800 points, ended February 28, 2009, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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is sad for anyone to fight over one love unless it be the perfect one. Too many busses coming along, with patience, waiting, surely one will be going in your direction. Triangles can be destructive, hurtful and destroy the soul. Chin up, smile, for better days are ahead. I liked this write.
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Hello & welcome to POM!
I'll have to agree that this is a common theme, if only the subjects are all that are different...
There's a Bible story of 2 women claiming the same child. They went before the King to determine who the real mother is...The King suggested that they cut the child in two, each taking 1/2 ~ the one who said no, spare the child and let the other woman take him -- that was the real mother. She'd rather sacrifice her happiness as a mother, rather than see the child cut in two.
With that said, I did like some of the visuals but I didn't quite feel this. The ending stanza seemed rushed/ho-hum, I'm done ~ a little dry & left me wanting to see more resolve.
Thank you & best wishes in POM! My scores will be in the closing comments. Please remember, no editing until after final judging.
~ Tim -
Welcome to the POM.
Your title is 'iffy' to me - I might click just to see if this was about the Bermuda Triangle. I think you could have a stronger title for this, although, the one you have does fit the write.
Your theme is 'love' - which is not unique. The way you have done this though - is fairly creative IMO. I think you've done well with the emotions and the depth of this particular situation. Images, not too bad - but mainly emotional images, more 'tell' than 'show'......that balance is hard for most people to get right, myself included! For this theme, I thought it was fairly well done.
I didn't think the flow was bad - read fairly well to me. Your thoughts seemed complete, without ending in the middle somewhere - or to be picked up in another verse. So, flow was pretty good.
My scores will be turned in. Best wishes in this contest.
Remember: no editing once a judge has commented.
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Hello -
*who outlasts WHOM*
Ok....a real straight-forward write....the Power & Impact are lacking considerably and the Lasting Impression is hardly noticeable -
This Theme is MOST common and there is really no fresh approach to it -
Personally, I can find this Theme a thousand times on AP in a days time -
Let my board speak for the rest of how I feel.....thank you for entering this Month.....however, I was just beginning to enjoy your work, and then you pen this for the POM.....not a wise decision in MHO -
God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.5....had me curious..yes, I would click on it just to find out what it was about -
Flow 6.95....improper Flow....your word choices created a Lot of Visual, but there was no movement at all here....toooo much Talk, and no journey -
Depth 6.55.. depth is quite shallow...a tad wordy and not enough guts to your Theme -
Theme 4.0...this Theme has been done a million times
-Feelings 7.5...lacking Powerful feelings considerably ....basically all the cliche' feelings one gets -
Grammar 6.25.. grammatical choices are most simple....just not as Poetic as I look for -
Presentation 7.6....all Quatrains do nothing for your Tone....or for me....I say this in every PO' Contest.....if you read more entries in each PO' Contest, you will see what each Judge is looking for
-Uncommonness...2.0...honsetly?....and I know you want me to be honest, or you would not keep coming back......this is the most cliche'e ever to to be penned -
Sit & Ponder Affect 4.70...I did not ponder at all -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...perfect....nice job
-Bears Score: 65.05
Not as good as you other entries....no pulling your work or editing after a Judge has touched your work please -
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I am sorry you didn't care much for my poem. It is hard to come up with something creative all the time.
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I would NEVER say...I do not like your write......and if you can not think of something creative, then why do you enter?........you KNOW, this contest calls for Creativity.....please do not try to make me feel as though I have done something wrong.......take a look at last weeks Gold winner by Xianaria......now THAT, is how you win in the PO' Contests.....and as a Poet, your Imagination should NEVER run out of ideas to write about.....and if it does....take a break....God bless,
Bear ~
PS...If you pull your work, you are not allowed to ever enter again.....take our suggestions and critiques as a building block for the PO's......we are not any other contest....this is the PO' Contests where we give full and in-depth critiques to the best of our abilities....we try Very hard to help each Poet make their work better .....not, to discourage them -
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very emotional, and strong write. Great job.
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Interesting piece here I have read a poem on two like this before but none the less nice job thanks for sharing be well.
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oooh great theme. you really did a great job writing this one.
"Hatred, mistrust,
ripped my heart out,
while still bleeding
stomping it to bits."
gosh, i felt the emotion from the start. U made sure this wouldnt be a boring read thats for sure, you had me at that point and i didnt want to stop. awesome work!
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Can sure see this in your lines; no more happy ending for sure. Sometimes the greatest love of all is that of giving the other happiness and love, even at your own expense.
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