iv.
I am a time woven group of stones,
stacked on top of one another
to guide the ways of sailors
awaiting redemption.
These hands in a fiberglass miracle
can brush the edges of the wall
that keeps me in absentia,
and ties me down to a notion
that I will one day be free of myself
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iii.
Veins are a fjord, and I am washing away
floating down my stream of consciousness
till I somehow hit Svalbard, this heaving stomach
archipelagos choking me.
I am a viking's daughter,
skin so thick it could house the sun
keeping hidden wishful thinking
accompanied by soft thoughts.
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ii.
The babylonian lines of latitude
are strung taut against my skin
lips marking the tropic of cancer
kissable only in the most extreme cases
of abandon
And my neck is the equator,
pining for your hands to encircle it
like a piece of body heated jewelry
that will burn its way through my paper skin
and weigh me down to the floor
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i.
The flat lining of my stomach
will disappear in a shock of your hipbone tracing fingers
and I will turn into an ocean transgression
waters flooding your shores with dark mysteries
and glazing your eyes over with peace.
And when I bury my anatomy,
of flat fields and arcing backs,
inside your dusty irises
will you hold me like the earth?
Author notes
definitely not finished yet, needs work.
constructive criticism?
A contest entry
- round contest number one (prewrite) by serenity silvermoon.
510 points, ended September 25, 111 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abstract poetry.... 500 points ... PW allowed. by Manoj Sanyal.
500 points, ended March 23, 22 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - anatomy by autarky.
1500 points, ended April 13, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Still needs work, HELP revising.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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all of this was rather great, but (ii) made this fantastic. thanks for entering :]
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very good poem............
Best wishes and good luck,
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comas and periods would help becuase again i feel that you can really add so much more to a poem, like a river when its damned in a few spots. but overall you have alot alot of talent your metaphors similes and imagery are always so well done and so mature and very strong really adding to the piece. you have a masterpiece well tons on your hands great job
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Thank you!
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"And my neck is the equator
pining for your hands to encircle it
like a piece of body heated jewelry
that will burn its way through my paper skin
and weigh me down to the floor"
so very sensual! and worded brilliantly.
"And when I bury my anatomy
of flat fields and arcing backs
inside your dusty irises
will you hold me like the earth?"
too good. just too too good.
wow.
this was just... wow.
made me think of yellowed atlases, ships-in-bottles, and bare skin colliding underwater.
I don't know. does that make sense? ^^'
& all the different parts of this fit together so perfectly. I feel like iv & iii were closely related, as well as ii & i. but they all came together as well.
so yeah.
I don't think I have a critique for this.
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Thank you so much!
I definitely get the images of yellow atlases and ships in bottles to this - that was what I was hoping for.
<3
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