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Dysfunction Grows Against Gracious Words

 

 

 

 

When I was twelve
I picked at paint chips
on my wall 

and peeled

an imperfect truth...

something ugly
and torn

I laughed at my own oblivion.

she was dented; unfixed
youth rooted
behind alcohol cracked eyes 

she's was a woman that did not
pull punches

but, for all I know
sold my soul for another sip

 

 

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Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Yemassee gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    Beneath thin veneer lies truths that maybe we were better off never knowing. To find that the one we should most admire is imperfect must be a hard truth to uncover.

    A poignant poem that a little secrets that many have but try to disguise.

    Two questions: line three, do you mean "peeled?" and in line 12 "she's was a women"? Do you mean, "she was a woman?"

    The last line hits hard, both at her and at the speakers reality. Nicely done.


  • hisaddiction
    April 12
    Edit | Reply

    Brilliant!

    Wow, this is awesome! Great job!


  • mwilson50
    March 13

    Edit | Reply

    interesting and sad

    Sounds like this could be a mother or older sister. The second-to-last line could be made past tense, to match up with the other tenses. This write is definitely going places!


  • mooniemc
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    Powerful poem!
    Again I so wish you had never had to feel this!
    Hugs, Moo


  • Terry Collett
    February 26
    Edit | Reply

    Good poem.

    This raised hairs on my neck: real and good.


  • Ken-Maverick
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    "but, for all I know
    she sold my soul for another sip"
    What a way to end this!!! knock out punch!
    Awesome piece

    Ken


  • poetmaster32
    February 24
    Edit | Reply
    this is sad, very emotional.


  • retribusive
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is truly and utterly amazing. I can just feel the emotion bleed through your words. You've got a masterpiece here. Such great imagery.

    I'm usually pretty critical, but sorry, I see no problems here.

    Nice work!

  • A Prophet of 3 gold member
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    "imperfect truth ..." (<-- would use an elipse there and add the following)

    "something ugly
    and something torn." (with a period after "torn")

    i would put a pierod after "oblivion"

    and phrase it this way:

    "a mother dented, unfixed, and
    youth rooted
    behind alcohol cracked eyes."

    then
    "she's a woman that does not
    pull punches,

    but for all i know
    she sold my soul for another sip"

    anyway ... strong piece, i liked it (and you asked for it *winking*)

    • Catie Sheeran gold member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for all the critiques ...I have to say, I may have to take most of them into consideration. I like your views on this piece.

      but don't let it get to your head


  • Lady of the Lake
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Such a touching piece you have penned and the pictures of pain and sadness flow across your screen...she sold my soul for another sip wow!


  • chilali
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. I love this. Every single line. You are incredible! Hehe. I am in awe. literally!


  • Swangrnv gold member
    February 24
    Edit | Reply

    T.A.L.E.N.T.E.D...

    I feel so blessed to know you my friend, another vividly clear example of the power in your pen..


  • stasis
    February 24

    Edit | Reply

    Wow.

    This is ridiculously good!!! I love every line, the last few especially were breathtaking. Don't edit this too much, it's perfect the way it is.

    ♣ Tegan


  • tara wilson gold member
    February 24
    Edit | Reply


  • usefuldistraction
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Your opening is a very good image and the second stanza, a profound exposure...of the "imperfect truth", vivid and effective imagery laced throughout! The only thing, is the use of "imperfect". It describes the "truth" and the truth is a mother, if there is an alternative descriptive for her...blemished, exposed, tarnished, something to quantify the imperfection mentioned earlier. This is a very "inside" write, another peek into you. In like this very much!

    • Catie Sheeran gold member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply
      OMG...I didn't realize I used that word twice...one of my own petpeeves...lol. thanks for pointing it out! I have to go to work now...and it sux that I am going to just throw a word in there for now..but I'll fix it when I get home...

      thanks again

1 - 21 of 21