bridges fail
tears fall
sorrow at retreat
quiet hail
stone wall
unable to meet
why do I sorrow
when bridges fail
as inevitably some will
when bonds break
as inevitably some will
when people need to depart
as inevitably some will
because
I wish
it
had
lasted
f
o
r
e
v
e
r
A contest entry
- Bring your best PW (5 to 50 words) QUICKY by Meroza.
700 points, ended April 1, 2009, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? (all polite critical commentary welcome)
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Interesting...A dakr and twisty poem, lacks a bit imagery and feeling but who needs that right...
Good luck
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Who needs imagery and feeling? Why, you do, as those were two of the four things you were most looking for in your contest. I can tell this poem will not be in the running for a cup.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
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its not the cup that matters, its the fun it brings to enter and judge ^_^
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Yeah, quickies are great for that. I spend too much time commenting on longer pieces, so my contests for those will be less frequent. I also enjoy reading other poet's takes on the prompt(s).
But I dunno... I'm a new user and I still lust after those shiny things... *eye glints lustfully*
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haha, yes I did too in the beginning. But then I realized that I had to advance fast and good if I was to keep up with family and friends. Its hard sometimes and I've often given up, so I am more or less just a hobby writer for when my muse wants to show a sign of life ^_^
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This is a really touching write, and the emotions run strong. Thank you for sharing this piece.
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Thank you for your feedback. {hugs}
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This is lovely, the longing is evident in your poem. Using the repeating lines helps to anchor the poem for me. There is a rather Zen quality in your write that evokes peaceful acceptance.
I loved this poem!
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Thank you! (hugs)
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Reminds me of the bridge collapse in Minneapolis a few years back.
I loved this - the look the feel - all added strength to the write. Nice work. I look forward to reading more.
~Pamela 
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Thank you, Pamela. I liked hearing how you responded to it. Thank you also for the kind encouragement (and all the clappy's!). Sometimes I like to use the visual aspects of a poem as part of the piece. I plan to post more as I get my "sea legs" here. :-)
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I look forward to your posts.
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Welcome to Allpoetry
The use of forever dropping down was really effective.
Some of the words feel a little repetitive, but your emotion is well placed, making me think of sadness in failure.
Welcome to Allpoetry
I hope that you enjoy the site, and if you have any questions please don't hesitate to ask
Good job, keep writing!
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Thank you. That was exactly what I was attempting to express: "sadness in failure." That is part of why I intentionally used the repeated phrase "as inevitably some will." Like a repeatedly heaved sigh.
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I do like this,
it is simple, metaphorical.
It gets a point across, it causes me to think of rain and it pains me to read it.
Nice work, truly -
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Thank you. I think I understand why it made you think of rain. I am pleased to hear it evoked in you the emotion it was intended to convey.
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