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i will never call you dad

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for seven years,
I thought of you
as a special kind of
Santa; a personal
twice-a-year fiction

 

 

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abort abort abort

the word keeps falling
from your mouth. you
look like a magician
with too many handkerchiefs,
and no room for a girl

 

 

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I don't believe

the psyche is fully

developed at five

 

but I do believe

you were too late

 

 

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Author notes

Prompt: http://amelee.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-31726670
Author Page: http://allpoetry.com/Polaja

This was more painful than I expected it to be - and I still can't say it all.

my hands were
too small to offer
a protest, and your
white-picket world
was complete
without us

A contest entry

This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • heavenbird
    March 17

    Edit | Reply
    Emotion: 20/20
    Spelling and Grammar: 10/10
    Effectiveness of Title, Beginning and Ending: 9/10
    Personal Opinion: 9/10
    Creativity/Originality: 10/10
    Relevance to Picture/Rules: 10/10
    Imagery/Metaphor/Poetic Devices: 8/10
    Structure: 5/5
    Diction: 5/5
    Line-breaking/Flow: 5/5
    Impact: 5/5



    total:96.


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    February 26

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.. I have to say this gave me goosebumps as it sounds a lot like my own relationship with my father.

    As has been said below, this is very powerful! An excellent write indeed!


  • PersephoneInWinter
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    this is very powerful.
    i like how you repeated "abort" and put it in bold
    i love the image of the magician. thats such a good metaphor and i cant get over it
    the narrative flow is very good too.

    great write and good luck in the contest!

  • tara wilson gold member
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    this is very, very powerful metaphor & your voice is strong...



  • notorious
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Loved the way you used 'personal' in S1 because the entire thing feels like it. The narrative quality is fluid and well...good.

    Like a PB&J sandwich, really.

    I also think you made good choices with what you chose to bold and italicize - it's easy to overdo it, which you def. didn't.

    "the word keeps falling
    from your mouth. you
    look like a magician
    with too many handkerchiefs,
    and no room for a girl"
    -Had to put it back in your face. It's incredibly good. ... incidentally enough, recently I mentioned that the gift I'd gotten for Cheryl's present WASN'T a handkerchief (I kept telling her to get her reaction "ready"). Loved the magician thing...like an illusive, childhood thing.

    Bloody goooooooooooooooooodddddddddddddd
    ;
    Jessica


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.
    This really spoke to me, and I could relate on levels I wish that I couldn't.

    Two times a year, so fitting that people can be pointed out as coming in and out of life.

    Best to you in the contest darling
    Shari


  • heavenbird
    February 24
    Edit | Reply
    Which picture is this?

1 - 9 of 9