take refuge in these small
unspoken hands, hardly brave enough
to contain my own childlike hope
let alone the clusters of sadness
i have so carefully gardened these years
and now entrust to you --
and understand that despite
the desperation with which i close
my fingers over my strength,
the little minor chord within
the folds of my neck still lays
wholly off-color and frightened
but for faith that someday you
may touch it softly like passing water
until it unfurls towards your sound
as beautifully as an empty,
godless migration,
that grass may someday grow
on the graves of all the quiet birds
i have killed simply
by being.
Author notes
tweaking the ending.
prompt: "I awoke at times and birds fled and migrated/that had been sleeping in your soul." - Pablo Neruda
A contest entry
- emotion illness - ROUND ONE. by stasis.
1200 points, ended March 24, 12 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it, damn it.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this was beautiful - i was swept up as i read and now have no words but the aforementioned
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in my opinion,
you are the best poet on the website.
without question.
-
Emotion: 20/20
Spelling and Grammar: 8/10
Beginning and Ending: 10/10
Personal Opinion: 10/10
Creativity/Originality: 10/10
Relation to Quote: 9.5/10
Imagery/Metaphor/Poetic Devices: 10/10
Title: 5/5
Diction: 5/5
Line-breaking/Flow: 4.5/5
Impact: 5/5
TOTAL: 97/100
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"unspoken hands"
What a word combination. Love.
"my own childlike hope"
Gotta have these...hang them off branches and let them grow into mangoes (wait, do mangoes come from trees?)
"clusters of sadness"
Am I just picking out something from every line?! I really liked 'clusters'; you always choose the best grouping.
"the little minor chord within
the folds of my neck still lays
wholly off-color and frightened"
That 'wholly' there is so you (and that's something I love - duhhh).
"unfurls toward your sound"
The word 'unfurls' is used a LOT.
But never quite like that.
LOVE. And the phrase "your sound" - it sounds important to the voice of the poem.
"godless migration"
Holy crappin hell. Loveeeeeeeeeeee (redundant yeah)
"i have killed by simply
by being."
GAH
Your endings...rawk my world to infinite extents.
;
Jessica
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I forgot the smileys.
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Leave the ending. oh my god. You're 90 pounds of pure amazing.
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dont mess with the ending! those last four lines are the best damn thing i've ever read.
i was gonna write something but now i'm just in awe.
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