the whisper of colors, tonight,
blues and greens up some dead socket,
wisps away like the ends of the nasal
bone of that same skull, like seaweed.
tonight, all floating ships are greased
with liquid flowers, thrashing, ensnared
in their stems, the hair of a woman-corpse.
the petals never wonder if the storm,
or if the sea bottom.
is their new sun.
now headless queens could
crack this ocean
across their knees, but one cluster
in the dark-humoured ballads of the sinking yard
isn't fool enough to follow
her tangled, tangling stem back to the root,
for fear the carrion that hoard themselves there
will drill a claw inside her heart,
the way a bluesman rogue
drills his eye into his guitar.
soft thoughts,
like eyes, fallen out of sockets,
looking into the sea,
finish sentences with:
not worth a...
and air bubbles burst,
as they drip upside-down,
trying to reach the surface.
Author notes
http://allpoetry.com/exit-de-jugador
A contest entry
- Unplanned - Round 3 - PART C by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 19, 2009, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
95
Title - 5/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 4/5
Creativeness with prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 10/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 10/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 13/15
Holy mackerel. You just keep getting better and better for me this round.
I loved this write...I loved where you went with it, the emotion you attacked your readers with through the imagery... the powerful, powerful visuals... all, just excellent.
And you found your appropriate balance of abstractness, uniqueness and rawness - a perfect level of surrealism, for the readers to interpret the piece, but not have the feeling of not having ANYTHING to go off of. Excellent!
I do agree that the Man VS Self scene was kind of lost, but I do not feel as strongly about it. I think the conflict the sea had all within itself felt like a person struggling internally - so I did manage to grasp that prompt.
Wonderfully, wonderfully penned. -
Title - 5/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 5/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 2/5
Creativeness prompt - 3/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 9/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 8/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 11/15
Total: 86/100
This is exactly the kind of mix of abstractness and clarity that I wanted to see. The hair of the woman-corpse, etc was a real treat to read.
My only issue is that I'm not sure if it suits the prompt well. I don't see much of a conflict with self.
That aside, this is really well written.
Chandni
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