anger

you've no idea
the amount of breaths I take crying everyday,
and how much I want to hate
whatever divine thing
that created me
you've no idea
how much I hate myself
and how I try to love my body
everytime I stare at it in the mirror
you've no idea how I hate shopping
for clothes
because I watch my size go up and down
and try to convince myself
that I'm just bloated because of
my hormones

you've no idea
how I force myself to eat less
if only to weigh less in my mind
and how I write less,
because I lose my confidence
to undress my soul

you've no idea how much,
I still want to run back to
the solution of dieing,
hoping it'd solve my problems
but only find, that I know the truth all too well,
and that it'll only cause a deeper Hell,
you've no idea how much
I suffer everyday,
or how angry I am

you've no idea how loud I've screamed
just to be heard,
just to be felt,
just to wish it all away
you've no idea how many times
I've been on the floor
writhing in pain,
unable to breathe
because my heart is numb

and everyday, every fucking day,
I go back to starting over
and wiping the slate clean in my mind,
I force things out of my heart
and thoughts

I force all thoughts of going back, away
I cannot love anyone anymore,
but somehow I manage
and I'm so bitter
that I want to scare people
with the thing inside,
I want them to see what I hide
and I want to draw her, draw him,
I want it to make sense,
to be understood,

that I am a monster,
that I could kill someone,
that I could care less whose heart I break
at times,

that I can be two extremes all at once,
I can be an angel,
and something below a demon

I carry an unbearable sadness inside of me
enough to kill me off,
and as I cough, I feel the venom
seeping through

there's a hole in my chest,
there's a hole in my chest
where it feeds
where I bleed,
and the place of need
hungers for anger and revenge

I'd almost wish I could kill a God,
but I know, I could kill myself,
I know it could also all be a lie
and that this could be a joke
I want to laugh or cry or be angry
I'm stuck between comedy and tragedy
my face is always half painted

I fucking hate you,
I fucking hate everything you are.