Oh, you're all so radical
Oh, you scream some loud words
And, oh, You make them love you
How they love your dream
Oh, you think you're so free
Oh, you think you're so strong
And, oh, you can't see the chains
You wear your rings so well
You wear your rings so well
And, oh, you just can't see
You're married to the machine
Oh, you're so independent
Oh, you're so rebellious
And, oh, the people want you
They want to live your dream
Oh, you think you're so free
Oh, you think you're so strong
And, oh, it's such a dream
You wear your rings so well
You wear your rings so well
And, oh, you just can't see
You're married to the machine
A contest entry
- Be Creative by MichaelSavage.
700 points, ended February 27, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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You should not have to defend your poetry DeAnges. Let it stand for itself. I said it was nice. I think we should leave it there. Would like to see more sometimes. I too like all sorts of poetry.
Michael -
DeAnges,
I meant no offense when I said it sounds lyrical..thats a compliment. Its just not the depth I want for my contest. Sorry you felt you needed to be offensive. Good luck in the contest and thats fine to leave just as is. Its a nice poem! I think I am just more contemporary...not an insult toward you at all. Friends?
Michael -
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You must realize I write in metaphors much of the time. I have been writing poetry for 13 years and in that time I have penned more than 5000 writes, so I do find it offensive to have one of my pieces be dubbed "not very deep". I think, perhaps, if I had made this poem as long as I feel it should be, the depth and meaning would be clearer.
Likewise, perhaps if you had chosen better words to convey your thoughts, I would not have been so offended and taken it as the simple criticism which you meant it to be. Sometimes it might seem that if we do not like a piece, saying less is better. However, fewer words often lead to more liberal understandings of their meaning. You should always say what you mean, and then explain your reasoning when critiquing. A good critique is a welcomed thing to most poets, especially those of us who have spent so long in the art. Just like a poem, you should always go back over your critique before you hit submit. Just like a poem, a short, unclear critique can be taken more than one way, and often it will be the way you don't want it to be taken. If you say you didn't mean to be offensive, I believe it. You were trying to give me advice on my poetry, and I can see what you meant now, but it seems to me, you are slightly biased toward contemporary, less formed poetry, which shows in your critiques. That's fine and probably works well for you in your writings. I hold no biases toward or against any form. There is only poetry, good or bad.
I'll give you a quick breakdown of what it's about, and perhaps you can think of a better critique, or at least understand it a bit better. Either way, we'll call it even.
Married to the Machine is about those who scream for change or preach revolution, but do not realize how dependent they are on the system as it is.
If you don't like this metaphoric, lyrical style of writing, I suggest you look at some of my other poems before making up your mind on me as an artist/poet.
I think maybe you would like, or at least appreciate my works:
Lifetimes http://allpoetry.com/poem/5082411
Drinking Alone http://allpoetry.com/poem/4845979 see also pts. 2 & 3
Indescribable http://allpoetry.com/poem/4073711
and Jack & Coke http://allpoetry.com/poem/5082441
Thank you for taking the time to reply back and clear things up a bit.
Cheers- De
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sounds more lyrical....too many repeats to make it an effective poem...and not very deep...you might consider a revise?
Good luck in the contest.
Michael -
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I like this just the way it is. If I were to change anything I would make it longer while keeping the same format. I have to respectfully disagree with your opinion on what makes an effective poem, after all, lyrics are simply poems written to go over music. Some of the best poems in history are based around repeated phrases. For instance, most of Edgar Alllen Poe's works, "Quoth the raven, 'Nevermore". The Raven, Annabelle Lee, The Bells... Where would modern poetry be without artists such as Poe?
As for saying "not very deep" which I find subtly offensive, I must say, perhaps you should figure out what it's about before you make that judgement. I think you are confusing depth, with overall length.
Thanks for your "critique", but I think, perhaps, it would have been more diplomatic and tactful to simply say "Not my style, I was looking for something less lyrical." Or something along those lines. As is, it seems your critiques are much more shallow and ineffective than my poetry will ever be.
But thanks,
De
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