A smile engraved
into that pretty face,
no one really sees
that her life is nothing but a waste.
She does as she's told
not a single word escapes from her mouth
not even when her father
enters her room each and every night.
Seventeen years of no ifs, ands, or buts
not a single tear
no even a pout
a beautiful spirit corrupted by lies.
A prayer in the dark
barely a whisper,
if her mother heard her
she'd be out of existence.
Caressing her arms
as they sting from the beatings
she'll never be free
until she ends this herself.
Fumbling and tripping through the dark
she finds her treasure,
holding it to her chest
she whispers a victorious cry.
Her father comes up
to continue his nightly deeds
the handcuffs drop to the floor
as he looks down upon his bitch.
She knew no other way
to get out of hell,
than to end it herself.
A concrete angel,
lay on the floor
in a a peaceful sleep
a dagger of sorts
lay in her gut.
A prayer from an angel
was all she needed
her programming defect
had caused her demise.
A contest entry
- AP X Factor 2 - Auditions by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended February 27, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Yes.
I might as well.
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Yes.
I've voted "yes", not because of your write...but because of your determination. This is a cliched topic and I felt your metaphors to be completely undeveloped...but, your basic idea for this was good.
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Thank you, but I don't want you to say yes because of my determination. I want a yes because of the quality of my write. If I can't make it through auditions, that's fine, and it means I need to work on my poetry. Personally, I think my poetry is pretty good, but I'm not here to critique my own poetry, that's for much better poets than myself to do. But again, don't give me a yes because of my determination, I want to know that I have a chance to make it through, and if I can't, then I can't. I'll just try again next season. Thanks anyway.
Josh
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You gained a yes because this can be improved on...your metaphors can be developed and the imageries elaborated on somewhat so you "show" rather than "tell". Me giving you a "yes" vote wasn't some charitable gift that I did simply for the sake of it...it was me acknowledging your efforts & should reflect back on the quality of your submission.
Laura
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I really liked this one, Josh! It tells a sad little story that many can relate to. I did not really like the line that said "looks down on his bitch" but it was needed as some shock value! Thanks again for a brilliant write, Josh!
Mike
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Man, honestly, I was expecting more. This is a storyline I have seen many times. The imagery wasn't even that strong, there wasn't anything original about this. I hate saying this about poems, but I'm a judge right now and it's my job to be honest. Ugh.
I liked the programming defect idea, though. The problem is...you just placed it in the poem, you didn't really introduce or develop it.
Perhaps you will find this useful, as it was useful to me when I started using metaphor:
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_metaphor.html
Considering there aren't a lot of entries to be judged yet, you may keep trying and trying until the closing of the contest. And if you don't make it by then, well, hey, at least you're learning new techniques.
It'll take some time, therefore patience and determination.
And I can say that with the cliche pushed aside, the writing itself is better than your first one. I thought your second entry was better though, you had a stronger image.
And remember: show don't tell.
This, here, is pure telling.
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Well, thanks for your patience. I tried though. I'm having miserable writers block so I'm not doing to well. I know how to use metaphors, I just don't know how to get out of writers block. Perhaps you may know a way to do this? Thanks again for your comments, critiques, and patience. I really appreciate it. Truly, you're the only person, other than a very few people that actually leave actual criticism. Thanks
Josh
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Whenever I've lost ideas, I think try to daydream by comparing things in my life to other things. I know it's weird. I also try explaining things, in conversation by using little metaphors here and there -- except, not over the top [cuz then people will think you're crazy! lol] - and it is the small things like that, that keep me inspired.
I haven't had writers black for about two years now. And if I did, it wasn't even writers block, just a degrade of confidence -- but I overcame that.
There's a link on my page to my other account "Tangled Angle" - check out my first poems. Believe me, I was at the point you were at before. lol Actuallly, I was worse -- in the rhyme cliche stage.
It was awful.
Oh and nature is a good inspiration. But using nature metaphors is tricky. They tend to be overdone, so you have to use them as elaborately and creatively as possible. Even I struggle to be original with those! But nature is my favorite type of theme when it comes to metaphor.
Anyway, you obviously have the determination, so I think you'll improve. Otherwise I wouldn't be giving you a fourth chance now.
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