Planted in the San Joaquin,
where soil is like manna
and channels carry cool water
to quench thirst
suckled on sunshine
roots spread deep and wide.
Torn out, roots exposed, near bare
transplanted where God’s fingers left
depressions
rocks and icy water,
roots could not reach deep down,
with little sunshine,
stunted, hunkered for warmth
clinging to shallow soil.
Then came the homecoming,
returned to the earth of birth.
But shallow roots did not come up easily;
over years unseen, they worked their way
around stones, past shale
reaching deep down
to embrace sweet loam.
The shovel blindly cut through roots,
pieces that broke off
left behind
forever.
Author notes
I probably didn't do this right. "Roots" replaced pronouns in the poem. It's probably still too metaphoric. I am also afraid that the metphor is too heavy handed. Suggestions are always appreciated. Thank you.
A contest entry
- Roots by Pamela A Lamppa.
1750 points, ended March 23, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The descriptions in this were vivid and the sentences all meshed together into a very smooth read. I haven't read anything you have written in quite sometime but I will say it looks like you have continued to improve. The poem's imagery was so crystal clear I could almost see the images.
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It's got a nice beginning on this. The whole stanza works, poetically speaking.
But when you get into the second stanza, I really trip up on that first line. I don't know. I really feel that it needs to be reworded entirely. Maybe even just dropped out? Also, I feel that 'hunkered for warmth' seems out of place and extranneous. Take a serious look at that.
This is the same thing with the third stanza. The wording seems rushed and uneven. The message is good but I think it needs some reworking. If I might have written, I might phrase it as such:
"Then came homecoming.
A return, this earth of its birth
Short sighted, shallow roots do not come, when years have worked roots around stone, past shale
down deep to embrace the sweet loam"
But yeah, that's just food for thought there.
The last stanza rocks though. (no pun intended). LOL
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I love this poem. The metaphor is magnificent and blew me away, but the kennings - they are tough to master.
I will peek back again before we close.
Still - truly beautiful poem.
A skilled poetic hand has handled these words - no doubt. 
~Pamela 
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i'm not good at giving constructive criticism especially to ones of your caliber, but for one i would change the title simply because it is the name of the contest. i can't say it's too metaphoric but coming from you, it's a bit too simplistic. i'm used to you on a deeper level but not totally abstract. i like your work for the concreteness of it but not for it being rigid. this has the makings of a real danna hobart work, but it may be to heavy.
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What may help improve this piece, would be to take some of the "roots" pronouns you used, and start making a simple, perhaps short list of 'kennings' taking simple nouns within your piece, and replacing them with your newly made kennings. (ie. for the word 'shovel', you could call it a 'worm revealer' or a 'bulb splitter' or a 'soil picker' or 'shale breaker'-this is where your creativity comes in) You could also rephrase L2 like this:"where manna-black rests"(instead of the words "soil is like manna"-thus replacing your simile with yet another kenning.)
Think in noun replacements, derivatives of nouns, rather than their metaphor counterparts. They are metaphoric in nature, but much simpler.
See this list for explanation and examples:
http://allpoetry.com/list/42448-Kennings
Also replacing your title, without the word "roots"-try to springboard your piece from it.
I also like when you used"to embrace sweet loam."
It is metaphoric and a wonderful image, to switch it to a kenning, would be to say something like:"sweet loam embracer"-see the slight difference?
I hope that helps you, and gives you the necessary feedback you need to improve your piece.
I'll check back with you, and if you have any more questions, then let me know through IM.
~Hetha
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Wow. I have a lot to learn. Thank you for taking the time to explain. i am going to ponder all the points you made before I revise.
Thanks again.
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Wonderful
What a wonderful take on the prompt. And makes a great metaphor. Best of luck in the contest.
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Thank you
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