artistic suicide

never have I felt so depressed
so alone
curtains drawn
bedcovers pulled over an excruciating migraine
stomach churning nausea
angry rainstorm fistbanging windowpanes
lying listless
grieving the loss of a dear friend
succumbing to the seduction of these turbulent times
denying her unique art
giving up
giving in to march lockstep with less gifted peers
towards an illusory future filled with empty promises of commercial gain

sombre heart
agitated mind
suffocating confinement
heart racing
panic-striken
I rise from a shallow grave of despair
change into day clothes
lunge through a deluge to my car
ease out of the driveway 
windshied wipers thrashing frantically against a bitter downpour
drive westward along a storm lacerated lakeshore
finally arriving at a french cafe where so many times before
my friend and I sat
discussing art
philosophy
poetry
life
while sipping capuccinos
sharing pain au chocolat
smiling
laughing

beautiful memories flooding my being
serve only to increase my mourning
every conversation in the busy eatery
now a crashing wave of banality
invading my solitude
violating my individuality

escaping through a side door
I'm shocked by a single shaft of light
bursting through overhanging clouds
descending like a shimmering ladder to a soaked sidewalk

walking slowly
I take long deep breaths as my tears merge with rain