Last Saturday was such a frightful bore,
Yet touched my heart, this cannot be denied.
Awoken to the crashing of a door,
My daughter thought that in the night I'd died.
Still slurred by slumber's deep and needed shroud,
I watched my neighbour, chisel in his hand,
Oh! Lord what's going on, I said out loud,
Inaudible reply met my demand.
An hour, she'd tried to reach me on the phone,
Which I must point out's in the other room.
I would have kept it with me had I known,
That last night's tete- e- tete she would resume.
That quiet Saturday that I had planned
For one more month I fear I must remand.
A contest entry
- Just Rhyme by shewalksintomine.
1200 points, ended March 10, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A REALLY BAD Day by lovergirl1558.
600 points, ended June 9, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespearean Sonnet Competition: "PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN" WORK ONLY. by Vera Rich.
490 points, ended June 15, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Thank you for entering my Shakespearean sonnet competition. You clearly have a good understanding of the form, and how to use it to
express your "story".
However, I have to say that for me the last line is awkward. There is a syllable too many. Since you have a monosyllabic rhyme here, there should be only 10 syllables, and by my reckoning you have eleven - with an extra syllable crowded into the first foot. You might consider rephrasing "another month" as "one more month" or "one month more".
Likewise, "remand" seems rather an odd choice of word, and looks as if you were forced to do it, in order to make the rhyme. Well, yes, often how one pphrases something is conditioned by the need to rhyme, and sometimes one can achieve a splendid and unusual line in this way. However, if the line "works" properly, the reader should not be aware that the poet had problems in finding a rhyme.. The ideal is surely that the reader should be unaware of the effort one has had to put into this. So, if you are thinking of revising your final couplet, do bear this in mind. -
awesome job....what a saturday that was...good luck
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And all you wanted was a lie in.Never mind, better luck next week
, Ros
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What a Saturday! Yeowch! I think it's wonderful.
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Oh those family ties that bind! One can envision this senerio unfolding because it expresses it's self quite well here inverse. Slightly humorous to someone viewing it from afar. However I'm sure it wasn't from your propective.
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