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Different Universes

        s  k  i p p i n g  her  biased  Civil War AP History class 
                  to be 
            D* i
          a      n
        n          *
      c                t
      i                    h
      n                e
          g  r a i n
    cartwheeling through puddles-
      her image blurry outside the history window
      f
      a
      l
      l
      i
      n
      g
    drops of water melt into each other-dripping down the panes
    thirty honor roll students turn away from the poem
      projected on the board in italic letters-a tribute to Robert E Lee
      The teacher glances out the window,
      and swallows her Y'all's, and her Confederate pride
        at teaching the civil war- seeing the girl who is marked absent

      HE- watched her- seeing the crazy in her hair
      whipping her face as she spun in the air
        and noticing the sparks of beauty radiating
      from her cheeks- like the wild animals
      he saw on the edge of his family's land
      he believes he'd never get close to her
        HE- Defined by childhoods of  fishing in the creek,
while his mother sipped lemonade on the porch
of his family's ancient plantation house. Driving a
porsche to school- each morning he stood with
his friends at the edge of the steps-

SHE- heard him laughing and bragging,
'oh no sorry' just speaking loudly, about rolex watches
and new guns. He was watched by everyone- never
invisible. She ignored him- refusing to play his games
when he shot bad pick up lines at her- failing at
making her his joke.

  Despite diversity- eldery animosity nagged
in October- still high on Summer's freedom.
An old Confederate county- full of descendants
of all sides of the Civil war- racial violence breaks out
in hallways- fists flying, lockers slamming- slurs sneered

She s k i p s the joke of an assembly that aims
to solve problems buried generations deep, by
cramming 800 teenagers into the sticky auditorium
  armed with two neon cans of pain- she sprays the building

" Martin Luther had a dream- his dream became reality
but not here - prevented by grudges and inability
  to see beyond color. You lost the war already- get over it!"
  graced the grey building in neon blue.

  She personalised his silver painted car with
lyrics to Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani - finishing
her neon pink handiwork as students sauntered
out of the assembly in groups
more color oriented than before.
            he smiled  and told her he liked the new and improved
            improved school building, and his new and improved car.
            She caught him telling off the varsity football team for hazing-
            he turned towards her while they scattered-
          she smiled -starting to notice him.

  Leaving the classroom,while the teacher is distracted
  he sprints down the stairs out into the pouring rain.
  He stops four feet away from her- mesmorized by
    the fire in her eyes- completely aware of how easy
    its been for him to fall for her- but no idea why she
      would fall for him.
            As she dances he notices tears are S
                                                                      L
                                                                          I
                                                                            P
                              d                                                P
                                o                                                  I
                              w                                                      N
                                n                                                      G
                                    her cheeks.

    Longing to pull her into his arms and hold her-
        she dances two steps closer towards him- face
    inches away from his, but knowing how much she'd hate
    to be a cliche or a part of one, instead of kissing her-
      he  brushes a strand of wet hair out of her face,and
      asks? her to dance

        He got spray paint from one of her friends and
  graffitti-ed his car in rainbow lettering,the next day
    asking her to go out with him. Yin and Yang- but he
                  was willing to to change for her- and for
                          some reason she believed in him.
                      his friends made comments about her
                      till he punched one of them and told the rest
                          to go to hell.
                      he didn't understand her- he didn't need to
                                    to know he loved her.

Author notes

word prompt crystalline

The Smoke Lives"

faerie busting

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • SizzyFid
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Now I'll be honest, I'm not the world's biggest fan of dirty-pretty. I was open to allow it, because I'm not the world's strictest judge.

    Saying this, I really enjoyed your piece.
    I love the title, the style didn't completely confuse me, and the piece is very prose-y and cute. Was nice to see some forbidden love with a happy ending.

    "completely aware of how easy its been for him to fall for her- but no idea why she would fall for him."
    Loved this line. It was perfect, and heart-breaking.

    Hmm, I'd like to see you restore my faith a little more, so that line and more mean you're through to the finalists, and going to the next round. =]

    Congrats x


  • Heva Feva
    June 8

    Edit | Reply
    The dancing in the rain bit is confusing, but it's good at the same time. Where it sais slipping, the L is quite far away from the S. Maybe you could use more dirty pretty throughout the piece. Good luck and thanks for entering my contest.
    -heva


  • PaperChainHearts
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    Ohhh it is very good !
    thank you for condensing it down as much as you can.

    " Yin and Yang- but he
    was willing to to change for her- and for
    some reason she believed in him. "
    Fav bit (:

    thank you for entering

  • PaperChainHearts
    May 9
    Edit | Reply
    Hi, as yet, I haven't read your poem, as one of my rules states that each poem has to be under 100 lines or it gets DQed.
    Yours is 124
    I'm sorry, but can you condense it down? I don't like DQing but rules are rules.
    Alternatively, you can remove it yourself.
    I'm ever so sorry


  • perfectsunset gold member
    April 3

    Edit | Reply
    Title- 4/5
    Creativity- 5/5
    Use of metaphors, imagery, etc.- 8/10
    Overall package- 3/5

    Total mark= 20/25

    I really enjoyed this piece,
    it wasn't too overly punctuated
    and was full of genuinity and
    original thoughts. Very well-composed
    but maybe a bit too lengthy for me,
    but other than that this was
    amazing and I really enjoyed it.

    Thanks for entering & best of luck


  • tears.of.silence
    March 24

    Edit | Reply
    wow this is great. i reallylike this poem. thank you so very much for entering my contest and the best of luck to you. kahy


  • XcPrincessB
    March 24

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    This is VERY long. And the first time I read it - I read it while tired and I skimmed over it and I hated it. I thought WHAT DRIBBLE!
    Major apologises required!
    This is amazing. So very deep!
    A love poem yes but so much sub text as well.
    I Don't know why you chose to DP it.... it doesn't need it and truthfully it kinda detracts from it.
    "he didn't understand her- he didn't need to
    to know he loved her."
    So pretty and sweet and made me sigh like "where's my guy like that?"
    Amazing job and once again sorry for overlooking it the first time


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    I realy liked this peice, you made good use of the dirty-pritty formatting and I could actually read and understand this one. You have a wonderful message in this one, the story you tell is vivid and parts of it made me smile while other's made me want to cry. Very well done.


  • LovelyLauren
    March 14

    Edit | Reply
    wow, this was just amazing. It is perfect in every way. This is definitely a favorite of mine, and as soon as I can I'm adding you to my favorites.
    Excellent job.

    Lauren


  • AllThatRemains
    March 14
    Edit | Reply
    Awws. I like it.
    Thank you for entering!


  • Fulabeans
    March 7

    Edit | Reply

    Wow..

    ok, this piece was hard to read LMAO.

    the poem is great the form unique I must say. I like it alot and am very glad you entered it into the contest. I am always glad o see original forms.

    well done, and thanks for entering,
    -Dusty-


  • Emmyb gold member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    a very interesting read. thank you for entering. havent seen this style in a while so it was quite refreshing. emmy


  • Ms-Mouse
    March 6
    Edit | Reply
    Your country needs more of you!


  • Strawberry Wolf
    March 5
    Edit | Reply
    wow...

  • LonelyWolf Tasagka
    February 22
    Edit | Reply
    Ummm...
    Good luck.

1 - 16 of 16