Where petals shattered, dreams scattered
Whims clattered like marbles spilled.
Thoughts long jaded; mind grown tattered,
Ambition quickly, cruelly killed.
Where rose fragmented, bliss was prevented
And darkness augmented as rivers of rain.
Dreams long invented so quickly relented,
Misrepresented by givers of pain.
Where love falls to pieces, the young sunlight ceases
Confusion increases in the midst of the noon.
It's too late for the kisses, (lover reminisces),
But for ending this dream, too soon, too soon.
Author notes
I revised it a bit, and am not sure if I can make it better... this will have to do. If you have any constructive suggestions, please comment! I hope you enjoy this. =)
A contest entry
- Just Rhyme by shewalksintomine.
1200 points, ended March 10, 2009, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whispers of the Muse by SubKitten.
3045 points, ended May 19, 2009, 156 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very well written piece. The internal rhymes were very unique, and the overall rhyme scheme for the ends of lines was also very effective. The only part that doesn't quite work, I feel, is the very end where you repeat "too soon, too soon". If there's a way to tweak that a bit, it'll be better. Repeating it like that kind of ruins the rhyme scheme you've set up previously.
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a good poem, the rhythm is cool, and the rhyme, both end line and internal, flows it along with a sure certainty.
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I love how the end rhyme carries on into internal rhyme as well. It really keeps the piece chugging along.
Thanks for entering and best of luck to you. -
omgosh i love it!! no i dont think the flow is broken up. i love the theme of things cracking and falling apart
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This was a lovely poem. there should be a break after every 4 lines and then it will flow a lot better. But other than that, you did a great job. Keep up the great work.
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Alot of work went into your rhyme, and it really paid off. how I love inline rhyme. This read so well aloud, I only caught a couple of blips in the meter, but they really didn't hinder a wonderful read this morning. Well done
Wishing you all the best in your contest!
many blessings, Sandi
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I enjoyed it still. It was broken in some spots, but don't worry about it. You have plenty of time to revise it. I liked it as is, if you want to know.
Thank you for entering my contest. Good luck to you. Please refrain from rating or replying to any comment made by me or my lovely and wonderful cojudge(s).
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