Dear Michael [2]

Dear Michael,

I wish you were here. Today, my mom started bleeding so bad at Walmart that we had to leave. She bled through all her clothes. And, on the way home, she cried saying she was tired of life and tired of everything. In my mind, as I just sat there, I simply thought, "If only you knew how much I am too.".

I wanted to cry then, but I didn't. I did what I've always been good at, holding it in.

I swore I'd leave your life for good without even telling you but I almost regretted it today. I wondered on a few things as I darted back out the door as soon as we went home to go to the park down the street from where we live and cry. I missed you as I sat at the top of the slide, the cold wind cutting into my skin. And then I said I hated God. And I didn't regret it. And it made me wonder if God exists and if he/she is mad at me.

I missed you. I almost  called you or texted you but I stopped myself.

Today, my boyfriend wasn't here for me. I figured that out as I called his house to tell him he could come over. His grandma had said he went somewhere with his mom. Why would he do that if I just told him minutes before on the phone that I would call him back really soon?

Today, I stood on my own and failed miserably.

Today, I thought about killing myself.

And right now, I am keeping more pent up tears back from spilling over my face. I'm so tired Michael, I'm so scared. And I want this to leave, I want this to go away. And I want the Biopsy tests to say that mom doesn't have Cancer. I want her to stop bleeding. And I think, that if you were with me you wouldn't need for me to talk, that you'd just hold me and everything would be better somehow. That's what I always loved about you. I missed your silent understanding. So today, I will cry over the fact that I feel fat, because a few pants at Walmart didn't fit me because they weren't cut for my shape. And I will cry over the fact that he wasn't there and did another idiot thing. And I will cry over the fact that you and I are over and I'm supposed to be walking away. And I will cry over the fact that none of this matters anymore. That it feels like my mom is dieing and that I don't know what I'd do if she did.  I will cry over the fact that it feels like no one cares anymore. And more so, that you're not here.

What's wrong with me Michael?

I miss you so much, that it hurts. I feel so letdown. And I wanted you to show up on my doorstep to the point where I nearly prayed everyday for it to happen. But every time I realize that you haven't and can't, I think of your son, I think of your girlfriend, I think of it all. And it hurts all over again. And I hate myself all over again for leaving that summer.

Some things you can't change. You can't turn back time. But if I could, I'd make it so that I had never survived the Pneumonia my first year.

It hurts so much. And I can't stop crying. Everything that was supposed to matter, doesn't anymore.

And I thought, like magic, if I just came down to see you, that somehow everything would be okay but it won't. Because I'll see you with your son and your girlfriend and remember once more how I was second place. How I'm always erased out of peoples' lives and how they always forget their promises to me.

Do you know, that sometimes, in the most painful, darkest of moments, I hold on to that summer as if it were all that I had?

I used to wish that we could be together again. No matter how many times you fucked up or I got hurt.

And here I am at 19, utterly alone inside, going through so much pain that, I don't know how I breathe anymore.

I'm so angry and bitter nowadays that I can barely feel. It's moments where I see my mom as this fallen hero that I feel it the worst. And I think of quitting my job and letting myself die a little more day after day laying in bed, not bothering to try and live. Why am I fighting so hard anymore? This depression and death. Everything?

It always hurts. All the time now. Don't you ever sometimes just think, you'd be better off dead?

I know you would. I feel like a fucking mistake.

Like no man will ever love me truly again. Like I will never be loved truly for what I am fully or understood the same way.

Michael, I feel like it's over for me and if nothing else, I wanted you to know that I always loved you no matter what. Sounds cliche I know, but, who cares right?

This letter was supposed to make me feel better. But, instead, it made me realize, how hopeless I am.

I can't go back,but sometimes...I wish I could.


Sincerely,
Isabella