Watch me as I scatter,
a thousand agate petals upon still waters,
hidden upon coal planes, stretched in shadows,
...while all the rest dance
to fleeting winds and sultry whispers,
drawn as moths to thunder's vibrant chest.
When all the rest drink ambrosia
and swim in kaleidoscopic dreams,
I bathe in mists and tears...
pluck melancholy berries...
waiting for the night
under the banshee's branch
for my flower to bloom
to celebrate the win against the tide.
Comments
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Wonderful imagery here drawing me in, so much beauty in being different.
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Thank you. This is my forte so to say. Glad you enjoyed it.
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A very powerful write
I love this phrase: "drawn as moths to thunder's vibrant chest." Nice imagery throughout.
If you move the set of three periods (sorry, I forget what they are called) from the beginning of Line 4 to the end of Line 3 ("stretched in shadows..."), that would be proper prose style punctuation (which appears to be what you are using) as well as paralleling the use of those ... in the second stanza. Your last four lines seem like they are trying to be one thought concept, although there is a discontinuity with the "to" of the last line: "waiting for [object] under [object] for [event]" in order to? So that I may? "celebrate the win against the tide."
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Thanks a lot. I always forget what the three periods are called as well, so there is no problem. I need to edit this piece and restructure a bit as the poets before have mentioned. I have some ideas, but who knows when the time will present itself to do it properly. Many thanks
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Such a descriptive verse. There is the separation of self from the whole , one unique from the others, who does it a bit differently, and with pride in doing so - expressed in your words. I liked that deceleration of individuality expressed in your words.
I agree with Blue, a bit more punctuation and well placed line breaks would have this poem come across even stronger.
I might refrain from using the word 'upon' twice in the first stanza. Maybe something like:
Watch me scatter
a thousand agate petals
across still waters,
hidden within coal planes
stretched in shadows ...
while those who remain
dance to fleeting winds;
sultry whispers
drawn as moths
to thunder's vibrant chest.
All in all a lovely work filled with dark description and awareness of self. Thank you so much for sharing this gem with The Blue Lamp. Very very fine work. ~Pamela
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Thank you. This is actually an older work I had written half a year ago on a slip of paper and found recently while rumaging in old notebooks. I need to apply some changes, but when time for it presents itself. I like how it turned out over all though despite being obvious in its message. Thank you once again.
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Absolutely gorgeous!
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Thank you!
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Excellent how it moves as a whole towards a
certain defiant hope. I swam in the imagery,
but especially felt:
"drawn as moths to thunder's vibrant chest" in the
1st stanza and "waiting for the night
under the banshee's branch
for my flower to bloom" in the 2nd. You come off as an accomplished writer of brevity here keeping it focused but at the same time, giving echoed visuals that seem as a dream.
Two minor edits:
"thousand agate pettals upon still waters,
hidden upon coal planes stretched in shadows"
where you should proceed thousand with 'a'
and petals needs to drop a t.
Also, I would recommend an enhancement of
pause in well-placed spacing or a bit more punctuation. I.E.~
"hidden upon coal planes, stretched in shadows,
while all the rest dance"
This is something I am doing in my free-verse and I like how it highlights what is being shown.
Thanks for sharing this with our circle. Blue
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Thank you. I am flattered beyond words for I don't think myself as nearly that accomplished, but I trust you to never exaggerate. I also thank you for the suggestions. The poem flows way better with those minor fixes. Will apply them.
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