Someone’s knocking on my wall
I can hear them, but I won’t answer.
It’s safer living in the shadow
of my full potential.
But I do so miss the sunlight of youth
but for the attention, when I was in it.
I must think about carving a doorway
so that some not feared may enter
that being, a long familiar few.
The mask I’ve worn for the world
has become thinner than eggshell.
I think I’ll carve that doorway
shed this mask, long past expeiration
and hang up yesterday’s inhabitations
next to the paralyzing fears
of reality perceived.
In liberation,
I'll step across the threshold
of purgatories battlements
into a fate
that I have always put off
until…
tomorrow!
Author notes
POW Contest
Theme: Overcoming the fear of living life on life's term's
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Bear by Arkbear.
1110 points, ended February 23, 2009, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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21.68 / 25
Well Bill, I have to say, quite adore this one! -
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Thank you Christeen,
Coming from you, that's high praise.
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An excellent job here Bill, thank you for taking the time to enter the "Fight for the Gold" contest. I like what you have to say here your message and flow is very good throughout. Best of luck to you in the contest, thanks again for entering... Scott
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Thank you for your entry
Your words here are brilliant. Some that many can relate to, when they show how we live a life of masks, pretending to be someone else sometimes...
Delicately penned.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
Shari
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Love it!
You've caught the anguish of sloth -- fear to do what's needed, and so you watch life pass by. Well done sir!
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A sad, yet hopeful write. Sad that one has fled to the shadows for their percieved safety and anonymity, and hopeful, that he contemplates the changes that will reinvigorate his life, if he can overcome the habit of inertia.
He's created his own cell, safe from others, and lonely for others and the sunlight he has managed without, though not happily.
Excellent "safer living in the shadow of my full potential," and"hang up yesterday's [inhibitions?] next to the paralyzing fears of reality perceived." Outstanding "step across the threshold of purgatory's battlements."
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Hello -
You have presented me (us) with a write which has pushed the limits on thought & ponder....Bravo!
I am a tad bit speechless here Bill....I do believe this will go into my fav.'s from, BluesMan
I enjoyed so much of this write....and the things I would mention to enhance or suggest in this critique, is almost verbatum of what Joyce has already mentioned -
I do see a ton of Fillers which tend to break the Poetic Tone & Poetic Voice.....for me -
Fillers = are....like....the....and....is....of....that....to - I am not saying to NOT use them...I am suggesting to use them sparingly and wisely...otherwise, your write is either going to sound Prose'...or essay'ish -
However.....I DO, believe, you have a STRONG Poetic Voice coming through each S*.....you have showed your Reader, you have command of this write and you did not rush us through.....that compliments your talent
Not much else to say here....let's get on with the board and see what it says
Good job...good luck & God bless,
Bear ~
Title 7.85.....had me pondering.....but the word *Sheltered*, is a Genre I would not click on for a Title -
Flow 9.65....punc.'s lacking slightly....your choice of grammar created its' own Tone & Flow...therefore, I was quite pleased with your ability to control the movement here -
Depth 9.55.. depth is okay....using the word, *mask* twice is not something I recommend.....and saying, threshold and doorway tend to take away from the other -
Theme 8.85....a Theme we have seen several times here in the PO' Contests.......but.....pened with extra ordinary care -
Feelings 9.95...you really got into your Subject matter and Focused well....lovely job -
Grammar 9.8..strong and able to draw me in.....nice job - -
Presentation 9.25...lonnng S*'s do nothing....for me ....break up your thoughts more....lonnng thoughts are.......a tad boring?-
Uncommonness...9.85...not as creative as I like to seee, but your approach is superb -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.80...I did ponder....your command over your chosen words made me want to read every word carefully -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...perfect....nice job
-Bears Score: 94.55
Very nice job....
No editing once a Judge has touched your work -
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Hello and welcome to this week's POW!
This poem reminds me of the Simon and Garfunkle song "I Am a Rock". You deal with a serious subject - social anxiety, shyness, self preservation, with a metaphor that you mostly sustain - that of a room, or house with no doors and windows.n I think you could push this metaphor a bit further, and drop the mask - the secondary metaphor which is more common and does not add consistent content. You refer to the carved doorway twice-you could vary this by "cutting a window" first to at least look out and expand your small world.
Stanza 4, line 2: spelling; expiration. s 4, line 3; I think you mean "inhibitions" suggest "restraints" instead -smoother, suggests a "garment you would "hang up" and introduces some assonance.
"so that some not feared may enter
that being, a long familiar few."
My tongue tripped up on "that being". The only words of importance in this line are :"familiar few" You could edit the line above it to "so that few not feared may enter." and drop the next line.
"This room I inhabit
thinner than eggshell" rather than using the mask metaphor. Though I imagine this room as tight, soundproof, cork lined, and stifling . I'd like to see the imagery of this room metaphor pushed so we feel the "purgatory" you inhabit
I'd end with "until tomorrow..." no exclamation point, for that suggests humor, which is not found in the rest of this poem.
I like this line :"of purgatory's battlements" (note spelling) the most.
You have a worthy subject and metaphor, now push it to it's limits!
Scores will be posted when contest is judged. Do not make any changes once a judge has commented.
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wow
this is really good, you hit the theme on the head, and i enjoyed reading your piece this morning, thanks for sharing!
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Aloha Bill!
I'm sure you will hear this isn't a terribly creative theme...lol...but nicely penned! Best wishes in the contest and always!
Write on!
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Oh my, you know I have always been a fan of your work, from the very first time you entered some of my contests
I love this one especially what you said about your shadow.
In liberation,
I'll step across the threshold
of purgatories battlements
into a fate
that I have always put off
until…
next week!
This part reminded me of my panic attacks, and I have to train my mind not to be afraid, of course that includes actually going out and doing stuff I have been avoiding.
Great poem.
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this is great
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