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Poppy's Tears

There is no rain like the Poppy's tears,
Drowned are all the plants
In a sea of brash illegality,
Bereft of spirituality
Though Ahriman's machine,
She whispers to me
Because of she,
I now the serpent
I know its ways.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    This is something completely different for this contest, I enjoyed your style very much. Best to you in the contest


  • Everlasting-Fallout
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    I'm rather impressed with this poem. It's quite different from most that I've read, in a rather pleasant way. I actually smiled at the line "reflects of prisms no isms can seem to contain."

    A couple things that might be improved (at least by my judgment)

    The line, "Which knobs now turned, which cogs now spurned?" Might move a bit easier if you changed it to present tense action (turn, spurn)

    The repetition of "I see" in the lines,

    The auras of objects I see, the paths of pathos
    That lead to eras of eros, their pathologies I see

    is some what a distraction. Perhaps change the first "see" to "feel"? It would work well with auras and keep it from seeming like it was mere repetition of the same phrase.

    The last section is perfect, I think, save for a number of spelling errors.

    Well written, Lion-Serpent. I'll have to check out some of your other pieces and see if they match the ingenuity of this one

    -Thefallout
    www.theeverlastingfallout.com/read

    "Infinite, all I can obtain." Sounds cooler in my head as "Infinite, I can all obtain" (all and obtain have some lovely similarites with the "a" and "ob" sounds) But that one's totally just personal preference.


    • Lion-Serpent
      February 20
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the considerations. I'll put them into action.

      Also, what spelling errors in the last portion? I just did a scan and there are none.

      By the way, sadly I had to edit the poem, because it didn't meet the contest's requirement of 30-40 words. I decided to post the poem as it was before elsewhere (with editing due to your considerations ).


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    Reads neato.

    I am fairly sure that is over 40 words however.

    Be Well.


    • Lion-Serpent
      February 20
      Edit | Reply
      For whatever reason, I thought it said 30-40 lines. I'll change it (sigh) .

1 - 5 of 5