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River of pain

My life is torn all apart
There's no way to fight the dark

I’m sinking and I cannot swim
The river of pain has no end

I see the shore, hope is renewed
A burst of strength will get me through

Then comes a wave to drag me down
I’m drowning and cannot get out

I hear a voice, distant and bright
Arms reaching me, I cling to life

You pull me out and I am safe
You Wrap me in your warm embrace

The storm subsides, the waters calm
But heavy clouds continue on

Will they clear, or always be
A shaddow hanging over me


Doris 2-19-09  

Author notes

mood ring turned red

A contest entry

I'm just starting little tips are welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • delic8
    March 17
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely and touching and a little sad. I'm really digging the slant rhyme.
    Things I noticed (and they don't matter one whit for this contest
    Shadow has one D, not two.
    Personally, I'd end with a question mark.
    Is there a reason Wrap is capitalized?

    But really, this is a genuinely good poem. Some would complain that it's trite, but hey, things are trite because they're true.

  • tara wilson gold member
    March 6

    Edit | Reply
    oh, man, i never know what to say or if i'm going to hurt someone's feelings when i want to make a more critical comment, how serious are you about poetry? do you use it as therapy, or do you want to be a better poet? i just feel like this is really cliche. and i am not the greatest poet, i'll be the first to admit it, and i struggle too, to write things that haven't been written before, but almost every line of this, i have read before, and the rain and clouds, how you have used them here are really overused metaphor. the whole poem is cliche. i'm sorry

    i know you're new here, so keep writing, but i think it's really important to read good, published poetry so you have an idea of what is expected in my contests...

    thanks for entering.


    • madmom68
      March 29
      Edit | Reply
      I do use it as therapy. Witch is why you wont/don't see much from me. I don't read much poetry, other than from Family. So I wouldn't know how alike mine are to other poems or how cliche they may be. Don't really care. It's always nice to hear if someone likes what I write, but that's not why I write. I share them to let people see & understand me. I don't think I'm that good, so no insult taken. My sister is the real poet http://allpoetry.com/poeticcaresses . I don't know anyone that doesn't think hers are good if not great. Some are very dark, but she's been doing better at writing more possitive ones. Check her out I'm sure you'll like her. She's probibly been in you contest.

      Smile,
      Doris


  • BehindTheShadow
    February 21
    Edit | Reply
    I like this.


  • poeticcaresses
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    ok. A couple of points. Most of it flows really well. You lost your beat in a couple of places, though. I'll point them out and offer suggestions:

    You pull me out and I am safe
    Wrapped in your warm embrace

    I would suggest that you change the second line to:
    "You wrap me in your warm embrace" - that would give you the same amount of 'beats' as the prior line.

    In the next stanza I would change "carry" to "continue", again giving them the same number of beats.

    The last stanza I'm not sure about. I'd have to think about it more. You have 10 beats in the first line and 5 beats in the last. Now, I like the change of tempo with the last line, but I think the first could use some alteration. Not sure exactly what yet, to get the same meaning. I'll have to think about it.

    Ahhh, just thought - possibly change "forever" to always. Drops a couple of beats right there.

    Over all, good work! You are definately improving! However, I have to point out... Since you like to give me hell about my depressing poetry.... This is kinda dark! lol

1 - 5 of 5