Broken-headed, hollow-hearted, looking for a rhyme.
I never found a way out of this accident.
On cloudy afternoons, I still mention you from time to time.
They all know your name but they don't understand your crime.
Even when I feel warm,
I'll never really forget.
And even when there's a storm,
I'll never really remember...
'Cause I only remember remembering you.
Yeah, that's all I know how to do.
Save me from this self-destructive sanity I can't ignore.
Swallow me, absorb all of my emptiness.
I gave all that I had, and then I gave you just a little more.
But past is past is past and I forget what came before.
Even when I'm insane,
I'll never really forget.
And even when I feel pain,
I'll never really remember...
'Cause I only remember remembering you.
Yeah, that's all I know how to do.
You gave me dreams, and let me down.
You made me see what's all around,
Explaining life without a sound.
You met me, no one told me why.
You set me up, then took your time
Perfecting every little lie.
Then you changed your mind.
And now...
After what I endured,
I'll never really forget.
And though I'll always be sure,
I'll never really remember...
'Cause I only remember remembering you.
Yeah, that's all I know how to do.
hm...
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is mad good... I couldnt relate better actually. You have a way with words that definitely speaks to me. Great job.
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Very Good
The first stanza really draws you in. This would make good song lyrics if the right person was singing. It would be about proper emotion. I liked the clock you set in the middle, very fast. I think we all suffer from "self-destructive sanity" Nice line. As for revision ideas - hmmm - Maybe I'll have to get back to you on that. LOL. I'm always looking for revisions on my stuff too :-) . PeAcE -
This was beyond amazing, left me speachless to be entirely honest. <3
-- Tor
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Wow
Idk if I'm right about what this is about,
because I might have applied it to my own life too much,
but it was really good and touching.
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I love the first line. I don't know why, it just really sucked me in. Even if the rest of the poem had been terrible (which it wasn't) I would still love it, because of that line.
So for the rest of the poem. It flows well once you grasp the rhythm, and not very many people find rhythm a necessity in poetry, so I encourage you to enter this in some contests. It seems like a piece that could go very far. It's great regardless. The alliteration in line 5 was done really well. Not forceful, but very there. I love this little poem, it's just so good. I can't say enough about it, great job!
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Wow. The first line really got my attention, which says something as i have a low attention span haha.
i like the rythem it has too it, the structure of the poem is great too. It's great too see that you can keep the rythem, structure and the emotions about when ryming, sometimes it can be a little hard to.
I love the first two lines of the second stanza
the first has a great rythem too it and a brilliant use of alliteration the second line is full of emotion =]
great work (:
x
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This is really interesting. I like that you're playing with rhyme, and the ?alliteration? was really cool.
'feast your eyes on faster fingers, fastened to the floor.'
This is a little confusing, but it has great ideas. I think the short non-rhyme lines are purposeful to kind of...claw at it, make it more memorable. Something like that. Anyway, this was an interesting poem, great job!
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I like every bit of this...the flow
the devastation
the word patterns and its own confusion
yet it feels whole!
and the sense that this has many readings.
Best thing I've read in ages!
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alright...
the rhyme seems forced especially in the second stanza. I noticed that right off...
I think that your use of rhyme emphasizes your point that you're looking for a rhyme, so you should keep that literary element in your poem I think.
upon a fourth reading i'm still not completely sure what this poem is about. it's remembering a person - i can see that - but i'm not understanding why the fast fingers are fastened to the floor. (great use of alliteration there btw)
and that's about all I've got to say. It was a great poem, but it could use some clarification. -
I like it. I like it a lot.
I think that the rhyme constricts it a bit, but that could be revised. Also, I think that the non-rhyming lines are a bit short for it to flow well. However, I really love the ideas behind it and the imagery and wording is excellent.
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