It is a beautiful sunset
as I once again watch
as you run away from me.
It seems
that we were getting to close
and you
ever afraid of commitment
couldn't handle it
so you fell back into what
was comfortable for you
and so you ran.
If only you understood
dear heart
that I would never
ever
ask you
for something
that you could not
freely give me.
I do understand
truly
this fear you have.
It is hard
for someone like you
to open up
completely
to another being
and yet,
the urge
for you to do so
is there within you.
Given time
I hope you can overcome
this running instinct
that you have.
Because
eventually
I'll tire
of this watching...
And I'll want
what all women do
you...
forever...
beside me
not running off
into the sunset.
Author notes
prompt #1
In a list
A contest entry
- Poetry Contest by Erik Ambrose.
1050 points, ended February 22, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ---gold takes it all- - - by Xx.Toxic.xX.
1003 points, ended February 28, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Great thoughts here my dear friend.
I really loved reading this one from you.
Well done and thanks for sharing it here!
Jeremy0826 -
wow.
the last stanza hits hard. sums this piece up in a very good way. i love it. good luck in the contests. -
I think "Chasing the Sunset" would work better as a
title, or something else that suggests the author
is grasping for something that is always out of reach.
The line breaks make this poem seem far longer than it
really is. Also, to me, line breaks suggest a short
pause to the reader (almost like a comma, but shorter).
Sometimes, saying less works better:
I watch a beautiful sunset
and you
run away from me again
That's about six words less than your first stanza, but
holds the same truths.
There's also a bit of redundancy, such as in the second
stanza when you say "so you ran." I already no he or she
ran, and don't feel saying so again helps.
"And I'll want
what all women do
you..."
Do all women want him/her? Maybe it would be better to
say: I want what all women do / someone beside them ..
The second to last stanza was excellent for me. Just
those few words displayed a lot of agony and desire.
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hummm interesting comment. Let's see what can I say... title... well I might come up with a different title for this.. but for now this one is working well for me.
I agree with you that sometimes less wording works better but I do like what i have right now. Thanks though for the suggestions.
As for "And I'll want
what all women do
you"
this referred to me... as a woman... and the feelings that women have in wanting someone beside them always... helping in all things... like raising children together... sickness... etc. Just being there.
No one wants to be left... out in the cold... alone... wanting more... but never able to get it because that one special person just won't be there for you.
This did not refer to other women wanting my lover... or him wanting all women.
I did find your comment very interesting and please keep suggesting things. I might like and even change something because of suggestions that are written just like this one. Thanks again.
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Beautifully said, dear.. It's too true, there are guys who just can't stop running off, no matter how much they may love someone.. But, you know, women can be just as afraid of commitment as the guys..
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thanks for commenting... yes, I know woman can be just afraid of committment... however, in my life it has always been men who run not the women. My own biological father didn't want to raise me... he wanted to put me up for adoption... so my mom ran away with me in her belly because she wanted me.
I had a boyfriend that I thought I truly loved who couldn't stay with me for longer than a few weeks before running off... disappearing for weeks/months at a time... and then show back up like nothing had happened.
Men leave... I learned that early.
I have even told my husband... I have always said this to him. That he would leave me one day... he might not mean to... but he would and then I...
would be alone.
I have always expected to be alone.
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expressed really well stated in this poem. good luck in the contest. L,
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thanks for the comments much appreciated.
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Wonderful self expressed poem, great job. Blessings.
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thanks
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that is a terrible way to act... takes two to create a child together... both should be responsible but some many times the young man is not. I am sorry you loved one has to deal with this...perhaps after the child is here he will step up to the plate and be a man... and a father. At least the baby will have you to depend upon. It's lucky that way!
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I like the last stanza a whole lot and think you did an amazing job with the prompt.
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yeah I think I would be ticked off with this off again on again relationship... just make up your mind... shhh! Either be together or separated but choose! Shhh. That's where this poem came from.
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that's what my granddaughter's boyfriend or I should say ex is doing; especially now that she's pregnant. One day he's all for it and the next he's telling her he wants to kill it and her ... I can't tell you what I did to our phone he made me so angry ... no excuse for using the hammer on it but a person can only take so much ya know ... and I enjoy the quiet to be honest.
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