Like a fingernail moon,
a shape missing its filling piece;
born without a peaceful soul,
and catapulted like a firestorm
into a life filled with zombies.
I walk robotically in single file,
to a hated job and school as expected,
looking to fill that deep void,
as all zombies do.
Author notes
Robotic
Comments
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This is creative. I'm not really keen on "zombies" rolling through the piece twice. I don't think it adds any power or depth to the piece. I do see your points. It started strong with the first two lines and sagged a big in the last one of the first stanza. It is a good foundation but it is a bit repetitive in thought form. Perhaps something like:
Like a fingernail moon,
born without a peaceful soul,
and catapulted like a firestorm
I walk robotically in single file,
through life as expected,
looking to fill my void.
Just a thought. But you can see what I mean as far as how some words really are not needed to make your point solid
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There are some very wonderful images portrayed with your words, even though it is a sad sounding piece.
Best wishes in the contest.
Gaylene
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I don't know...
aren't 'robots' more lively than zombies?? l.o.l. at least the last time i saw either i thoughts the robots rocked!!
i like this lady though it's a dark subject matter it is rather unique, and if you know anything about me..it's that i like uniqueness!!
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original
This is good--it spoke to me right away. "Like a fingernail moon, a shape missing it's filling piece...",
"looking to fill that deep void..."
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