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Wondering

I cannot help but wonder where
she is tonight…and if some poor
man she’s charming,...neath
these stars and pale moonlight?

And does this new man marvel,
at their reflection in her eyes?
The ones that haunt me still,
and will...until I die.

When she said that she must go
I plead with her to stay.
She just smiled, and turned away...
as if her words to weigh.

“Love is not for one like me...nor any of
my ilk.” ‘Twas sadly said, with a small
shake of her dark ebon head “So take what I
have given, and ask of me no more...”

She turned back with blood red eyes
and fangs showed in her smile. “Be glad I
gave and did not take or you would not now
be…still counted among the living.”

I saw hell in her blazing eyes and
the full fanged smile she gave
“Or share my fate, far worse yet,
to wander lost and alone…forever.”

Author notes

#2 Vampire

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Fourthaxis
    June 6

    Edit | Reply
    Some really great poetry here. I loved the phrase 'full fanged smile' It imbued a frightening touch to the write.
    Cheers!


  • Catacomb
    June 5
    Edit | Reply
    Hey, thank you. An interesting write. Very vivid with imagery.


  • awannabepoet
    April 16

    Edit | Reply
    The darkness always shines under the dim moonlight where one could not truly see all the imperfections brought on by so many ressurections.


    I saw hell in her blazing eyes and
    the full fanged smile she gave
    “Or share my fate, far worse yet,
    to wander lost and alone…forever.”

    What lives untold in so many countless nights lived but not as a living breathing warm blooded being.

    I like it, I like it so!


  • XxAcidicDreamzxX
    April 12
    Edit | Reply
    really great poem!! thanks for entering and good luck!!!!!!


  • Xx.Toxic.xX
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    i love it. you're on the finalist list, and my a.p. family. congrats. and this poem was wonderful. absolutely amazing.

  • Mercury Rising
    April 5
    Edit | Reply
    A wonderful take on the prompt. Best of luck in my contest, and thanks for entering this fine poem.


  • Blue30
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    Good luck to you in the contests, I think you did an awesome job here. I loved the rhyming in it as well.


  • Night Terrors
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    awe fickle vampires lol I loved this poem it was really a neat write. I think you deserve to win with this one.


  • darkyinsoul
    April 1
    Edit | Reply
    Great write and you wist away with your words.


  • lovingpoet
    March 28
    Edit | Reply
    now that I got some points thaought you would love some and good luck


  • lovingpoet
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    I liked this write very much thank you for entering the contest


  • chael
    March 15

    Edit | Reply

    Great again

    I love the way you fraze things It works perfectly. You have a very strong style, the hat again.....chael


  • ennovy silver member
    March 14
    Edit | Reply
    What a nice take on the our topic....Thank you for entering our contest...Novy & Brazos

    • graybeard
      March 14
      Edit | Reply

      ennovy

      Thank you for your comments and applause, they're greatly appreciated


  • LadyOfFate
    March 8
    Edit | Reply
    sad and distrubing. something like anne rice

    • graybeard
      March 8
      Edit | Reply

      LadyOfFate

      Thank you for your comments, they are much appreciated

  • musiccraze2009
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    very good poem. The only thing I can say is I'm not sure that I like the use of the '...' It is just a little distracting. But overall good poem.


  • just mercedes gold member
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely rhythm to your poem, and internal rhymes that really work. A dark story, told with more than a fragment of regret, it seemed to me!

    As to revision - I'm not keen on the word order reversal in the first stanza, it affects the syntax. Seems to me you need a question mark in stanza 2. 'plead' in stanza 3 changed the tense. Some further attention to punctuation.

    The poem is rich with a Poe-like ambience. Very nice!

    • graybeard
      February 21
      Edit | Reply

      just mercedes

      Firstly, let me thank you for taking the time to read wondering. Your applause and comments are sincerely appreciated. As for the reversal of the wording in the first stanza that was a matter of personal choice. I thought the reversal lent a more poetic air to the piece. The other way seemed more like wording for a business letter to me. You also mentioned a question mark in the second stanza, realistically; the first stanza should have one too. Also another personal choice, I just felt that the question was clearly implied and that the question mark, sort of cluttered the piece. I flunked English in school, too busy looking at the teacher, a recent college grad and very pretty, so I’m really unclear on many aspects of punctuation as I write and kind of fly by the seat of my pants. As for plead, you sent me to the dreaded ‘red book’ on that one (dictionary), it seems it’s a word like lead, with duel meanings and pronunciation depends largely on the context. There was also an entry, (pled), which is listed as an alternate past participle. Anyway, I’ll stop; this is turning into a book. Once again let me thank you.


  • Samantha Marie
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very sad poem, I'm sorry you had to live through this. I know exactly how you feel.
    There's just a small typo, in "with a small shake of her dark ebon head" I think you meant "with a small shake of her dark ebony head"
    I love the use of the word "ilk"
    this really is a great poem
    good job and good luck in this contest.
    Thanks for entering


  • Captain Amber SL
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    I think that your use of language here is astounding, well developed beyond that of the majority of the writers on this site. The poem is short, yet powerful, and gives an echo of a haunting past. A rather creepy and fear-instilling write, and yet it is beautiful in its dark and mysterious way.

    The only criticism I have for this poem is that it needs some more punctuation in places, for grammar's sake if not anything else.

    I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^

    Aeris Silverlight


  • hawkeslake gold member
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    The rhythm of this is so strong that I felt like it was rhyming, probably because there are some internal rhymes. That's not a criticism! This is finely written, and a rather scary poem at that -- your AN also raises the goosebumps! Well done!

    • graybeard
      February 19
      Edit | Reply

      Thank You

      I'm very happy that you liked it and I appreciate your applause. All I can Say about the AN is, you shoulda been there!


  • Walls-within
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    Wow this was really a beautiful poem. I loved the way you wrote this...beautiful. Sad. Wonderful write. Please do me a favor and read over the rules again. You missed something, and I would like to have you add it. Thanks, and best of luck in the contest.

1 - 25 of 25