Crack open a paving-stone, and you may find me.
I say may – there are many places I have haunted, asleep like thistledown in the winter. It is a silent challenge, a deadened hunt over the snow which freezes the scent, leaves no trail. I
leave no trail. Do I want to be found ? Remember
that the last flowers of summer have rotted, now – they are feeding the seeds
which lie dormant beneath earth like iron, earth like coal, earth like
blood. like blood, it is hungry, this earth, and I am insubstantial. I drift on winds – can you touch me? it is
difficult, to see me, to sense me, here beneath your footsteps. so quiet
that the scratching sigh of your breath travels for miles; it is whale-song to me,
sonar and earthquakes, the slow delicate sound of a grey-white sprout emerging from its seed. This far down, it drinks no sunlight; there is just the unfurled tug of instinct calling up, up –
I don’t envy it, no. What I feel is more an uncertain wonder. Fragile. Remember
that the last flowers of summer are forgotten, now. Because sunlight echoes brighter off the yellows and the blues, it caresses spring-tide colours like the first soft hesitations of love, it bounces and dances and dreams – but down here, below the deadman’s belt, all is forgotten. Yellow is blue is green grey brown brown black.
Black like me; I am black. I am forgotten.
You will not find me.
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Seven [Top 6] by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended February 19, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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100 X-Factor
originality: 10
General creativity: 9
[enough] poetic devices: 10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas: 10
cohesion: 10
mechanics: 9
emotion: 9
syntax/diction: 9
rules/restrictions followed: 5
Title: 5
personal opinion: 9
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5
Total possible: 100
I gave this X-Factor because I really like the content of it. The form was a bit odd, but I was engrossed in the words, so there.
I really didn't like the space between 'I leave no trail', though, that was the most distracting thing for me. I think that line break could have been left out there.
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92
originality: 10/10
General creativity: 8/10
[enough] poetic devices: 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas: 10/10
cohesion: 10/10
mechanics: 9/10
emotion: 9/10
syntax/diction: 8/10
rules/restrictions followed: 5/5
Title: 5/5
personal opinion: 8/10
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 92
Although I agree majorly with what Tyler has already stated regarding originality and imagery...the formatting distracted me, hence the lack of the extra points. When grading, I look for a whole package and for me, this didn't quite scratch the mark.
Laura
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101 - X Factor
originality: 10/10
General creativity: 10/10
[enough] poetic devices: 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas: 10/10
cohesion: 10/10
mechanics: 9/10
emotion: 10/10
syntax/diction: 8/10
rules/restrictions followed: 5/5
Title: 5/5
personal opinion: 9/10
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 101 - X Factor
As I often say to you, you have a unique style and voice.
Just one critical note:
"I say may – there are many"
I'm not sure what the word "may" had to do with anything --- it just didn't flow right for me.
This entry fascinated me though. There were so many cool, original ideas in here. And what I liked about it is that I totally understood and felt it. This is something I can relate to perfectly - so it had me hooked. Even with that set aside though, I think you stepped outside of the box. This is much better than the last prose you gave us back in Round Four. Much better.
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BAH!!!!! Your style is incredible!!!! I just love the way you write and how you do things!!!
This was a fantastic piece, I especially loved the morbid ending and its affect.
I am supposed to be studying for a test right now... if I wasn't, I would've left more then this. But I just wanted to say this was great!
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I just want to say thank you for commenting so much - it's really encouraging to get comments from someone other than the judges ^_^ I know it's my own fault for being bad at commenting on others' work, in this exchange economy, but - yeah. it's good to hear from someone who doesn't /have/ to say anything.
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Really? I was just beating myself up because my comment to you was so lame! And everyone elses was a little better I had read your piece last night with not much time to spare and I just wanted to comment really bad!
No worries about exchange economy (LOL), it doesn't matter to me I'm glad that my comments can encourage 
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