mother always said that bruises
run deeper than skin.
i.
I'm sun-withered willows;
for destruction has never been
so tangible within my palms.
desolation fills the veins
of earth-ripened skies;
magenta fills the heavens
with bloody fingerprints,
marking the lives of those lost.
why must bones crumble as dust
before you're even free of them?
ii.
I never wanted to see the day
that I'd be forced to say goodbye;
but the wheels keep on turning
and the fires keep on burning
and every ash is getting caught
within my eyelids.
I bend down and touch the dust;
it is warm upon my spider-tips and
tells the tales of how the bones
of many were suffocated by
sweltering deception.
I didn't know that tears
could explode into flames.
iii.
it seems even God cries in
shades of sepia; I just wish
he would've shed a few tears
a little earlier.
lives are lost,
this is the cost.
blistering heat-famine shows
in my pores; I have been
struck by mercury-realities.
the sky is burning my callouses
raw to touch and every inhale
borders suffocation.
and I've run out of salt to shed.
Author notes
This was written after reading about the Australian bush fires;
which killed more than two hundred people and basically ate two whole towns whole.
it's heartbreaking, to me...and so this is what came out. http://allpoetry.com/angela.
A contest entry
- Rounds! Tears of Blood and Ink by ladyhelenaofsorrows.
700 points, ended February 22, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Appreciate Australia - Battling Mother Nature by Miss Faerie.
4000 points, ended February 22, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Should you be on my favorites? by unraveled.
700 points, ended March 15, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - want me to indulge you? okay, I will. by broken-colours.
1750 points, ended October 13, 149 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a prewritten contest for everyone by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended March 1, 148 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best freeverse. by jayyniecakes..
400 points, ended March 19, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥ Vignettes by Noir mariposa...x.
1300 points, ended April 15, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I WANT ANYTHING! by Umi Juvariel.
4300 points, ended April 9, 369 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tribute To Planet Earth - PW Closed - ONLY ENTER THIS TOPIC by DancingShadowCorpse.
650 points, ended April 19, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unplanned - Round 3 - PART B by Ryno.
525 points, ended April 12, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
-
Title - 4/5
Impact - 4/5
Form/Format - 4/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 9/10
Emotion - 9/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 8/10
Balance of everything - 9/10
Conflict, Overall - 13/15
Total: 89/100
I think this is exceptional - the topic you've chosen is probably one of the best I've seen so far. Any suggestions I could have - ryan has already said it.
Chandni -
91
Title - 3/5
Impact - 5/5
Form/Format - 3/5
Clarity - 5/5
Theme - 5/5
Creativeness with prompt - 5/5
Poetic voice/tone - 5/5
Imagery – 10/10
Emotion - 9/10
Personal reaction - 9/10
Poetic devices - 10/10
Balance of everything - 8/10
Conflict, Overall - 14/15
I think you chose a really good topic to write about. It opened a lot of doors for you, and you were able to produce a piece that spoke wonders about disasters like this - at the same time I could feel you relating to the disaster and understanding the pain and hurt on your on level...
I think that the title could've been stronger, better connected with the piece right off the bat. I also didn't really like the form, personally, I thought it would've been stronger if you hadn't used vignettes and intertwined the piece together. I personally thought the ending could've also been better, and this would've finished off the conflict with nature in a bang.
Other then that, I thought you used fantastic images, and powerful, raw-ly felt emotions... wonderfully written. -
Beautiful prewrite my dear. This is stunning and powerful. The bushfires are very sad but ever more common accurances since we are drying out already fairly dry areas more and more each day.
-
All your italic lines are unique, and wonderfully penned. I loved the opening lines about the bruises. That really made this piece work for me. I liked the color scheme too. Not too harsh on my eyes. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
-
beautifull.. i love it!
-
magenta fills the heavens
with bloody fingerprints,
I love the imagery in these lines, another brilliant write. I love your style.
Laura -
"it seems even God cries in
shades of sepia;"
I think this is beautiful. Great imagery and word choice.
Very passionate and lovely write, even though the subject is sad.
-
Yep, yep, yep.
I've got absolutely nothing to say.
Just beautiful, timely...haunting.
Makes it almost...a tribute, in honor...
-
this is really awesome. i like how it has a real life meaning, and it's not just an empty, imagery filled piece that means absolutely nothing.
thank you for entering,
-cassidy
-
Judged
The toll is now more than 200. 2 towns and thousands of homes burned, while thousands live homeless.
Your word choice is simply exquisite. Tears turning to flame and bone to ash before we escape them. I think of what it feels to burn alive and I am nauseous at their suffering.
Your words are vivid and painted a tale that we here feel. And you can feel it from a world away.
Thank you for entering my contest and good luck
Shari
-
I love this style <3
Really powerful write, I love the imagery! Thanks for entering, I'm adding you to the finalists.
-Lena -
and ps. i love the title
-
wow this is beautiful.
you've grown so much as a writer recently.. i love it.
im at a loss for words.
this is heart-wrenching.
i cant even choose a favourite part.. it was all so amazing.
keep on writing hun ♥ -
-
thanks so much sweetie! <3
-
-
amazing
and every ash is getting caught
within my eyelids
^favorite line :]
This is so flawless, and written with so much emotion.
Jesus, I wish you were a teacher so you could show me how to write this beautifully.
I have absolutely nothing negative to say
<3 -
-
oh my gosh!
you're soo sweet. <3
thank you!
haha I think this kinda sucks. xP -
-
are you CRAZY?
you have so much talent, it makes me extremely jealous.
this inspires me; i might go write a part two for the poem i entered for your contest.
no, but this is definitely my favorite piece by you.
hands down.
<3 -
-
oh gosh, thanks so much. <3
-
-
-
-
~
The toll I believe is up to 189, not easy for anyone to witness that and even harder when it's in your country
You have written this flawlessly and powerfully, I almost want to say it is nice that people in other countries care so much about what is happening here when we are so far down the map
Well, I did say it so I can't say almost can I ... you get what I mean
Stunning poem darlin!
Best of Luck
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
-
-
Oh my gosh.
Well my prayers go out to them. <3
thank you!
-
-
heartbreaking and bittersweetly beautiful ♥
i adore the imagery ♥
'mother always said that bruises
run deeper than skin.'
&
'it seems even God cries in
shades of sepia; I just wish
he would've shed a few tears
a little earlier.'
two of my favourite lines ♥
good luck in the contest, sweetie! ♥
-
-
thanks so much! <3
I hopeee so.
this is supposed to be on "man vs nature" for the unplanned rounds.
xD
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 22 of 22
