Cluttered with
dust and sputtering flames,
tamed, maimed and marred by
aiming for the stars,
scarred by hope and
belief in better things.
Riding on currents of sound,
surrounded by ghosts and
host to too many what-ifs.
Is this living? Giving
so much to the past, love
outlasting and unrequited,
smitten with figments and
idealistic images
that hold almost nothing of truth.
No smooth prince charming here,
just sharp, alarming picture
of bitter cinder-girl,
swirling the ashes of dreams,
gleaming eyes that sparkle
with shards of a soul
that could have saved the world.
Comments
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Good imagery, and emotion. Strong write.
I think I would eliminate the punctuation, break up into stanzas with transitional thoughts and subject alterations. Shape the poem into a visual sense with your words and thoughts. Use the line breaks for pauses and emphasis. Maybe edit the last line a bit to demonstrate the idea of wanting to save the world (an idealist.) The way it is now it seems kind of like a comic book ending.
Perhaps something like, "who tried to save the world."
Anyway,
just my thoughts and opinions.
Take them or leave them...
I did like the vivid detail and emotion within your poem very much.
Justified Inc.
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Thanks for your critique. Though I'm not quite sure what you mean; without punctuation, it would be confusing, and I did use the line breaks for pauses and emphasis.
A couple of thoughts on the last line: I do tend to live in a fairy-tale world in my head; a comic book ending suits me. And it was more in reference to the emotional side of it. I was alluding to a time when I had a heart big enough to care for and love everyone in the whole world...and now I've been hurt so much, I'm not sure I can anymore.
Again, I appreciate your comment, and thank you.
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