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We were so close.

Our fingers linked,
we lay together on soft grass,
at the apex of a hill, the
turning point of the landscape.

That night, the skies became clear for me.
The stars stared sternly down on us,
each one sitting austerely in its little niche,
chiseled into the space-time fabric by fate.
They declared seemingly unstoppable starlight down on our lives
and illuminated my eyes.

Your eyes were closed.
Your head rested on my chest.

In just that moment, your thoughts and my feelings were
close by each other, almost melding.
Our bodies swelled and quelled, the starlight fell inexorably,
our exhalations swirled upwards in steady step,
exulting in the star-pierced dusk like a prayer,
and nothing else moved.

But your heart is off-beat.
Your skull is weighty on my sternum,
and my blood compresses under
your trust and
your affection.

I try
as gently as I can
to separate our bodies.

You slowly begin to open your eyes.

"What is it?" you ask.

"Your mind is a burden on my heart."

Your thoughts and beliefs are too mortally heavy.
I would be crushed.
My pulse cannot beat free.
My breath cannot flow freely.
I cannot be free.

Your blossoming eyes are confused.

"But I love you."

There is a brief abyss of hesitation,
damp with reluctance.

"...sorry..."

The truth is, I love you too.
That is a truth sturdier than starbeam.

"Let's just watch the stars a bit longer," we agree.

Your head snuggles comfortably into my chest.
You doze off, a serene smile gracing your lips,
suspended in a dream.

And I do nothing to stop you.

Tears drape themselves protectively around my eyes.
I stare towards heaven, preferring to watch
the pretty diffractions inevitably evaporating from my lashes
than to meet the icy gaze of the stars.

Author notes

Option 1

It's hard for most to pinpoint exactly which is his/her "best poem", so I just entered one of mine I thought was decent and on which I wanted an evaluation.

A contest entry

Please read and comment.

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • pinkink
    September 3
    Edit | Reply
    I feel the struggle, I live it. Lovely write. Good luck in the contest!


  • Palas Kumar Ray
    August 29

    Edit | Reply
    Very poignant write.The imagery is very vivid.Words are often proved not enough to explain our feelings about our own self.We are often great puzzle to ourselves.*Too far isn't far away*(again I feel)Thanks a lot for entering into my contest and I wish you all the best.


  • PaintedParisPassion
    August 26

    Edit | Reply
    That night, the skies became clear for me.
    The stars stared sternly down on us,
    each one sitting austerely in its little niche,
    chiseled into the space-time fabric by fate.
    They declared seemingly unstoppable starlight down on our lives
    and illuminated my eyes.

    Your eyes were closed.
    Your head rested on my chest.

    In just that moment, your thoughts and my feelings were
    close by each other, almost melding.
    Our bodies swelled and quelled, the starlight fell inexorably,
    our exhalations swirled upwards in steady step,
    exulting in the star-pierced dusk like a prayer,
    and nothing else moved.

    But your heart is off-beat.


    This is so sad .

    ♥

  • graydeth
    August 26
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice. Thanks for entering.


  • trekkergirl
    July 16
    Edit | Reply
    Hummm.... this is hard to talk about because I almost consider it a break-up poem. I like well written break-up poems that this one was. I like the way you began it romantically... then ended it with questions. Good solid write. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering it into my contest.


  • Antebellum
    July 5
    Edit | Reply
    wonderful imagery.
    thanks for entering, i really like the dialoug..
    good luck


  • dieu.
    June 18
    Edit | Reply
    no


  • MysteriousWhisper
    June 6
    Edit | Reply
    this is great. first of all i love the intense description of the image of you and another person lying together. i could really see what was going on. second, i love the dialogue. third i could really feel what you were saying throughout the poem. this was incredible. great job and good luck in the contest!


  • Mistress Leala silver member
    May 23

    Edit | Reply
    i love the idea of two being together out in the open under the velvety sky, with eyes twinkling within it. love and closeness paraded in such delicate matter. thanks for entering and good luck.


  • SubKitten
    May 13

    Edit | Reply
    This is a wonderful write. The addition of dialogue was a great touch, and really added to the piece overall. The flow was perfect, and the mood was very fitting. A truly great piece!

  • Tempa Lee
    April 27

    Edit | Reply
    something different than what i'm use to reading. i read a lot of rhyme and write it as well, but you did a great job. best of luck.



    ~Dani~


  • xxNickxx
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    very good use of imagry and personification. It wlowed well and had alot of emotion running through it, well done


  • xxFallen Dreamsxx
    April 22

    Edit | Reply
    this poem delves deep into the topic, and presents a painfully true view upon love. I couldn't have said it better myself!
    it is unfortunate when you can't love someone becuase of how they are....


    thank you for entering and good luck~


  • Xx.Toxic.xX
    April 6

    Edit | Reply
    omg, i love this. the emotion in this was beautiful and the flow was amazing. the concept itself was astounding.
    good job.


  • stargazer.
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    Originality: (8/10)
    Emotion: (9/10)
    Poetic devices: (16/20)
    Structure/flow: (8/10)
    Cohension: (8/10)
    Title relating to poem: (7/10)
    Personal opinion: (9/10)
    Syntax: (8/10)
    Diction: (8/10)


    Total:81/100

  • trekkergirl
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    another nicely written poem with lots of imagery as well as emotion in it. Flows well and keeps ones attention. Thanks for sharing this with us and thanks for entering this into my contest.


  • Jamaicanqueens
    February 23

    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    This poem is a combination of love and uncertinty! Its an exellent poem, and i'll encourage you to keep on writing.


  • Pandorea
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    oh my gosh.

    this is so beautifully bittersweet, it really touched something in me. cripes.

    i don't have anything to say expect that this is a really amazing poem.


  • Kathraina silver member
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.
    I don't know what else to say.
    It's happy, then sad. But you have to do whats right for you, so its good.
    This piece fascinates me...

1 - 19 of 19