x I always said I loved you didn't I x

Dear the one who’s secretly had my heart for nearly 3years now,

        I  remember when you used to tell me you loved me, and I remember when you joked I was yours and that you’d get jealous if I was to get with someone else. I was so naïve then and it took me too long to realise you were actually being genuine. I’m sorry for that.

I remember the days you used to disappear out for hours with the best friend, not replying to messages and doing all sorts and I recall the evenings you boasted to me how many girls you’d gotten with in one day. Those evenings slowly yet surely started to break my heart.

I remember the day my Grandad decided to go mad, and smash up his house terrifying my Nan to the point where I saw her cry. You were the first person I turned to, telling you I wanted to run away and I didn’t want to have to deal with this anymore, you laughed it off and told me I was mad as usual – me stating I wanted to run away from here wasn’t a rare occurrence. I remember the feeling that day; as long as I was with you it’d be okay.

You weren’t even mine properly when I said that.

I remember the evening I found out from the horse’s mouth that you’d been sleeping with her for 6months without telling me. I wasn’t your girlfriend and you weren’t my boyfriend but that caused the last crack in my heart and it broke into a million pieces. You didn’t see the big deal; she was “one girl” and it wasn’t “more than sex” but that wasn’t the point. The pain and hurt turned to anger, and it became a turning point in what I once knew as our relationship – I didn’t want anything more to do with you.

I chose between you and now my ex – my ex won the battle. I was his officially and he helped repair my heart and slowly stole it. I grew to love him and for 11months, my love for him was strong and you weren’t to change that, but the question  I ask is why were you always around when me and him weren’t so good?

11months and myself and the ex split up. I’m once again single.  At this point, you were officially her boyfriend and she was your girlfriend. You’d been a couple for at least a year and a half but yet you still turned to me. A friend warned me; “don’t get involved again Bex, he’ll just hurt you” “he’s got a girlfriend” “you’re vulnerable, just walk away” but I was slightly silly, I was more damaged than anyone knew and more than anything in the world I was lonely. Lying in bed the other side of the world – Australia, in my auntie’s house with tears streaming down my face I pressed reply to your text message and this is how we ended up where we are now.  Spending 4-5hours texting in just one evening, it felt so good to be in contact with you again. We talked; I told you how you broke my heart and how my relationship was in tatters and practically over, and you, you told me how I’d hurt you when I said I didn’t want anything to do with you anymore. This was one fact that in the year and a half we hadn’t spoken properly, I’d never considered or realised.

7months on from me and my ex splitting up, we’re getting on really well. Every time you text me, I get the geekiest smile on my face and for once I know I have the ability to make you smile. You’re still someone else’s boyfriend and please do not get me wrong; I feel sorry for the girl you call your girlfriend but I’m not sure I’d like life without you in it.  I’d have no-one to laugh at me when I make stupid obvious comments, I’d have no-one that dares to take the mick out of me 24/7 or no-one to reply to my pointless texts when I’m bored!

Right now, I’m really unsure what we are or where we’re heading but it’s okay. People tell me to give up and walk away but my heart’s telling me “don’t you dare!” One day I’ll be someone’s girlfriend again and you’ll go back to being her boyfriend but let me tell you, no matter where I am in the world, what I’m doing or who I’m with I’m never going to forget you or stop loving you in the silly little or okay maybe big way that I love you because over the years, you’ve continued to steal tiny parts of my heart and it seems I’ve never gotten them back.

See, I always said I loved you.

Love

me

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